Catabolise This!

I swore I would never burn out……

            I love clinical. I love researching my patients. I love making connections with my knowledge and incorporating previous stuff, into new learning, I love learning…..and I am doing a lot of that these days. I am comfortable with the basics, and even have an awareness of areas where I excel….I am still learning about me. Ask me about the functionality of any system in your body, I can tell you exactly how it works, what is happening when it isn’t working, and how to improve your health outcomes……but before last week, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt truly happy….or more specifically…. had a second to enjoy that feeling…. I have been so focused on everything and everyone around me, on excelling as a leader, as a nurse, and as a Mother….not to mention surviving level 4! that I totally forgot about myself…… Sure I noticed that I was starting to feel more tired, I was eating and drinking more, gaining weight, and not sleeping as well….and yep, even a few more grey hairs!!, ugh….but I wasn’t making the connection. I watched as some of my friends began to experience these  same things, and of course was able to see it instantly….burn out! But not in me…. I won’t burn out…I can do everything, I can do anything….

I am so tired.

 I am busy. I have been so busy. So have a lot of you readers I’m sure….who isn’t a professional multi-tasker these days??....Well let me be the first to admit it…..I am not doing that very well. I forget  sometimes, to treat myself as my own bestie….and I deserve to be treated like that….at least by my own self!!

I had a plan, I had a handle on it all. I am doing well in all of my classes, and every time I cross another item off of my ever growing to do list, I feel a little lighter.

Catabolism- “the destructive phase of metabolism. It includes all the processes in which complex substances are converted into simpler ones, often with the release of energy, and cell respiration for the formation of ATP” (Unbound medicine, 2013)

 I have TOTALLY been trying to skip that part!!!! The part where my insane summer (and life) gets digested and broken down into smaller bits that I can actually process….. The part where all of the complex stuff I have been learning gets compartmentalized into tidy little accessible packages in the back of my mind….It’s friggen chaos in there….

I can’t not do that anymore….time to digest…..

             I have started that process, and am irritated with just how time consuming it is….hello? I have papers and midterms here!! But I have come to the realization that I am not capable of moving past experiences, unless I allow each experience to have it’s intended effect…Taking time for myself manifests as; me becoming more proficient and aware as a nurse, more sensitive and generous as a mother, and more present and focused as a leader. I get it. I just have to commit to doing it.

            It’s funny…..I guess I was never that good as an actor…. Hence the career change, lol….people who I love are starting to notice the burnout. They always told us, “fake it until you make it”…I cant fake it anymore….at least not all of it.

Since May,  I have been  put through  the wringer….intense heartbreak, was actually set on fire and suffered 3^rd degree burns- in a 3^rd world country with no access to pain meds, came home to be involved in a car accident- where my car was totally written off, and I sustained back injuries that are still impacting my daily life, had to replace my car, was hospitalized for a serious Strep infection that caused borderline SEPSIS, and, I know I don’t need to mention but….more grey hair!!! And the whole time I have been so tough. Maintaining the belief that there is no use worrying about the crap we can’t change…..

 I still believe that… excessive worry is not good for you….but “worrying about”, is separate from “processing”. I need to process…..Thanks to a couple good friends who have the luxury of calling me on my bull s%&*, I have started that process. Here is what I have learned....thanks to you...

“Being tough is not about being unaffected….being tough is about getting back up after being knocked down, it’s about learning from your experiences, and being your own best friend. Being tough means finding the strength to fully forgive, and it means letting go of the burden of regret…. with no looking back. Being tough requires you to be vulnerable enough to, not just feel, but to process the toughest of feelings, and to accept the true depth of your capacity for emotion. It requires you to accept yourself, and others for exactly who and what you/ they are in any given moment, without judgement, and then it humbly requests that you make the conscious decision to move forward” –Alana Smith, 2013-

 I am human, and human beings are affected by their experiences…. I can accept that.

            9 weeks in and I’m finally starting to really understand the importance of prioritizing. Not for my patients….that one is easy, but for myself…..not as easy.

Looking forward to NOOO vember, a much needed sister break to Vegas, and the healing that will inevitably follow when I get my ass back up, and offload some of the pressure caused by my mere human efforts to balance the entire world on my shoulders.

I won’t wait for the fire to burn all the passion from me, I will simply give the candle a little break, knowing that when I am fully ready to re light that flame, the fire will burn brighter and stronger, and warmer than ever before. With every new flame, exists the potential for new beginnings. I still posess the passion, the drive, and the mad skills, I quite simply need to re group….no biggie…Hope remains…. and where there is hope, there is potential and capacity for change. I am excited to be my new BFF. 

Alana- Student Nurse -Xoxox