Lessons Learned

Sometimes things just move you

A word, a touch, a thought, a leaf that falls as you pass by.....

Sometimes inspiration comes from a place you never expected

Everyone wants a piece of me, and no can see that I am falling to pieces

That’s how I felt 3 weeks ago

Here class, write a paper worth 40 percent of your grade…WTF

I realized something this weekend… thank you facebook

Relationships work only if both parties have the same end goal

I was forced to realize that last term, but reminded again this weekend

A lot of relationships have died here in nursing school

But this weekend I was reminded that we are all after the same thing

We are not in competition, we are in this together!

We all hate the same stuff, and love the same stuff about this program, and at the end of the day, we just want to do it…..and doing it is always a good thing in relationships…

In my life

For my higher self

I want real love that goes beyond romance

In this program, I have found friendship

That goes beyond convenience

I am a part of you and you will always be a part of my life

Every last one of you

Because every day, you get out of bed too, and every time you go to clinical, you are stressed out too, and everytime you “get it” you remember too…why we are here.

They make us write papers and take stupid tests and go to classes at really bad hours

But what I have learned….here…I am never alone. You always wake up. You always actually use empathy lol, and you are always there when I have nothing left

That is what relationships are made of. Trust, reliability, accountability, common goals, honesty, and  respect.

If I was told I could never be a nurse, I would wish to forever be a nursing student, because I am surrounded by 95 amazing human beings that actually get me….and that put up with my shit (or at least tolerate it)…but they get me…..because they are self aware, they are bright, they are strong independent leaders. And we want the same things for our world

On my walk home today, I was thinking about everything that I wanted in my life, about what I was working towards, and something clicked… a crispy orange leaf fell to the ground, cutting the silence of the night…I stopped

I turned around for the first time in a long time…. I looked at where I had been. The street was lined with beautiful trees, all different colors of autumn, the street lamps were perfectly placed, and the air was still……… where am I going? If not exactly where I am?

So again I am forcefully reminded that, hey! I am exactly where I am supposed to be…. And maybe I should pay attention, because all the things I long for and ask for, are right there… right behind me….

It is not about the final destination…. I hate finality, it’s the process of this that resonates. Remember when you were so nervous to find out if you were getting in? remember that first week? I was there too. That’s behind us now, but so much a part of what defines us.

I don’t want straight A’s

I want to write a paper in 2 days and laugh my ass off because the people going through it with me, are actually just as silly and pissed off about it as I am

It’s not about the end mark of that paper, and the fact remains that I have never felt so connected to anyone while writing a paper alone in my jammies.

This is the culture of nursing

We will set a new tone

Not of competition, but of collaboration

Because we can (because we now know what that menas!)… and because we know that works better

We don’t hate each other, we get each other

We don’t always get along, but we get that we have the same end goal

 Lessons learned;

I am human

I sometimes take things too personally

I was born to be a nurse

I know at least  95 other people who were born for that too

Our journeys will be different, and that’s ok

We have the power to inspire change in the world

 We are tough as shit

We love what we were born to do... when it doesn't involve APA....

Writing papers, was never a part of the plan

To the class of Dec 2014

I will miss the heck out of each and every one of you moving into level 5

Thank you for being a part of this journey

love you more than you'll ever know

Alana Smith- Student Nurse

Catabolise This!

I swore I would never burn out……

            I love clinical. I love researching my patients. I love making connections with my knowledge and incorporating previous stuff, into new learning, I love learning…..and I am doing a lot of that these days. I am comfortable with the basics, and even have an awareness of areas where I excel….I am still learning about me. Ask me about the functionality of any system in your body, I can tell you exactly how it works, what is happening when it isn’t working, and how to improve your health outcomes……but before last week, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt truly happy….or more specifically…. had a second to enjoy that feeling…. I have been so focused on everything and everyone around me, on excelling as a leader, as a nurse, and as a Mother….not to mention surviving level 4! that I totally forgot about myself…… Sure I noticed that I was starting to feel more tired, I was eating and drinking more, gaining weight, and not sleeping as well….and yep, even a few more grey hairs!!, ugh….but I wasn’t making the connection. I watched as some of my friends began to experience these  same things, and of course was able to see it instantly….burn out! But not in me…. I won’t burn out…I can do everything, I can do anything….

I am so tired.

 I am busy. I have been so busy. So have a lot of you readers I’m sure….who isn’t a professional multi-tasker these days??....Well let me be the first to admit it…..I am not doing that very well. I forget  sometimes, to treat myself as my own bestie….and I deserve to be treated like that….at least by my own self!!

I had a plan, I had a handle on it all. I am doing well in all of my classes, and every time I cross another item off of my ever growing to do list, I feel a little lighter.

Catabolism- “the destructive phase of metabolism. It includes all the processes in which complex substances are converted into simpler ones, often with the release of energy, and cell respiration for the formation of ATP” (Unbound medicine, 2013)

 I have TOTALLY been trying to skip that part!!!! The part where my insane summer (and life) gets digested and broken down into smaller bits that I can actually process….. The part where all of the complex stuff I have been learning gets compartmentalized into tidy little accessible packages in the back of my mind….It’s friggen chaos in there….

I can’t not do that anymore….time to digest…..

             I have started that process, and am irritated with just how time consuming it is….hello? I have papers and midterms here!! But I have come to the realization that I am not capable of moving past experiences, unless I allow each experience to have it’s intended effect…Taking time for myself manifests as; me becoming more proficient and aware as a nurse, more sensitive and generous as a mother, and more present and focused as a leader. I get it. I just have to commit to doing it.

            It’s funny…..I guess I was never that good as an actor…. Hence the career change, lol….people who I love are starting to notice the burnout. They always told us, “fake it until you make it”…I cant fake it anymore….at least not all of it.

Since May,  I have been  put through  the wringer….intense heartbreak, was actually set on fire and suffered 3^rd degree burns- in a 3^rd world country with no access to pain meds, came home to be involved in a car accident- where my car was totally written off, and I sustained back injuries that are still impacting my daily life, had to replace my car, was hospitalized for a serious Strep infection that caused borderline SEPSIS, and, I know I don’t need to mention but….more grey hair!!! And the whole time I have been so tough. Maintaining the belief that there is no use worrying about the crap we can’t change…..

 I still believe that… excessive worry is not good for you….but “worrying about”, is separate from “processing”. I need to process…..Thanks to a couple good friends who have the luxury of calling me on my bull s%&*, I have started that process. Here is what I have learned....thanks to you...

“Being tough is not about being unaffected….being tough is about getting back up after being knocked down, it’s about learning from your experiences, and being your own best friend. Being tough means finding the strength to fully forgive, and it means letting go of the burden of regret…. with no looking back. Being tough requires you to be vulnerable enough to, not just feel, but to process the toughest of feelings, and to accept the true depth of your capacity for emotion. It requires you to accept yourself, and others for exactly who and what you/ they are in any given moment, without judgement, and then it humbly requests that you make the conscious decision to move forward” –Alana Smith, 2013-

 I am human, and human beings are affected by their experiences…. I can accept that.

            9 weeks in and I’m finally starting to really understand the importance of prioritizing. Not for my patients….that one is easy, but for myself…..not as easy.

Looking forward to NOOO vember, a much needed sister break to Vegas, and the healing that will inevitably follow when I get my ass back up, and offload some of the pressure caused by my mere human efforts to balance the entire world on my shoulders.

I won’t wait for the fire to burn all the passion from me, I will simply give the candle a little break, knowing that when I am fully ready to re light that flame, the fire will burn brighter and stronger, and warmer than ever before. With every new flame, exists the potential for new beginnings. I still posess the passion, the drive, and the mad skills, I quite simply need to re group….no biggie…Hope remains…. and where there is hope, there is potential and capacity for change. I am excited to be my new BFF. 

Alana- Student Nurse -Xoxox

No policy for that......

          It was 220 pm. I was busy working. I was charting the very important information for my 3^rd patient of the day. The day  had been going fairly smoothly, aside from feeling like I might be forgetting something…. I checked my MARs 50 times, double checked my patient’s orders, and of course checked and rechecked my patients….I wasn’t missing anything. I was minding my own business when the Dr. walked by and said “he’s gone”….I listened for what felt like a few minutes before asking who they were talking about.- she said the bed number…. I spun my chair around and scanned the assignment board furiously…the Dr. declared the time of death just as I realized who she was referring to.

            In Nursing we have policies and procedure manuals for almost everything. Need to give an IV med and don’t know how fast to give it? We can look that up. Injections, lifts, transfers, suctioning, anything with tubes, lines, needles, drains, meds, or equipment…..there is a policy for that……

            There is no policy or procedure manual to tell you how to deal with the hurricane of emotions that can come crashing in on you, the moment you realize that the patient who’s life just ended, was the same patient you spent 2 days caring for the week before….. there are no guidelines or policies to tell you how to go about your day…. and continue to keep it together,  continue to be a great nurse and provide exemplary care, even though a very valuable, and cherished life, has literally just ended.

            That reality slapped me in the face before I had time to protect myself. My heart sank into my stomach and the air was completely sucked from my lungs. “I know him” I said as my eyes filled with tears….tears of shock, sadness and disbelief. I tried so hard to fight them and I could feel my eyebrows furrowing……I walked to the room and tried to mentally prepare for what I was about to see. Fighting the choking feeling in the back of my throat, I opened the curtains. He looked so different than how I remembered him. Only a week ago he was feisty and alert. Now his body lay there, peacefully lifeless. His eyes were closed and his mouth was wide open. I felt a smile cross my lips and a tear raced down my cheek as I admired how still and at peace he appeared. I pulled back the sheet and held his hand for a moment. It was still warm. I took a deep breath and put all those feelings on the back burner. I was so sad…..but my role was to continue to be a nurse…. I would have plenty of time to be sad later. I went and found the charge nurse…

 “so what do we do now?”  I asked eagerly…..I wanted to do whatever I could…my patients were stable and I felt I had a connection with him.

           

            I was told the procedure for getting the patient ready for the family. I removed all IV lines, put the patients dentures in and made him look as handsome as I could….the whole time reminding myself what my role was. I was the Nurse, I was not there to mourn the loss of this man as a friend or family member, I was not there to judge his life or his choices, I was not there to engage in any complex  patient care skills. My role was to be present, and that was such an honour.

            Life is  so crazy. We live day in and day out trying to get somewhere, to be someone, to get better, faster, stronger, at something…..and then in the end, there is only stillness. Everything just stops. Life continued to go on around us, as I prepared his body for his family, but in that room, for those few moments….everything was still.

I have never touched a lifeless body before today, so of course I was not prepared for the emotional upheaval that accompanied all of this, but I also don’t think I will ever “get used to it” as a nurse. I am becoming a great nurse, and for me, that means that I will always have a certain level of emotional connection to my patients.  I care for them, and about them in a very genuine way…… I learned today, that that is one of the qualities that will make me great at my job.  It is because I connected with him, because I took the time to get to know him, and because I genuinely cared for his well being, that I was able to go in that room ……respectfully, and professionally, as a nurse and a human being, and prepare him for his final hugs and kisses from his family. After I did all I could for him, I finished my shift. I charted for my other patients, removed 2 IV lines and did another set of vitals….. And then…. yes …….I cried…

 I cried on the way home in my car, I cried when I got in the door and I cried as I changed out of my scrubs….  I cried for almost the whole time as I wrote this…..Because life is so precious!! Because I am a human being too…… And sometimes nursing is hard!! because sometimes no matter what you do as a nurse to ensure your patient will be comfortable, to help them get better, all of the interventions and careplans….sometimes that is not enough. And yes, I have learned about boundaries with nursing and I know enough that I will not dwell on this patient or his outcome, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel, it doesn’t mean I can just forget about it once I leave the ward, and it doesn’t mean it wasn’t a hard ass day…..I am so thankful to him for all he taught me in his passing… I hope peace and comfort will find his family as they find their way through this time.

RIP

XOXO

Alana- Student Nurse