It was 220 pm. I was
busy working. I was charting the very important information for my 3rd
patient of the day. The day had been going fairly smoothly, aside from
feeling like I might be forgetting something…. I checked my MARs 50 times,
double checked my patient’s orders, and of course checked and rechecked my
patients….I wasn’t missing anything. I was minding my own business when the Dr.
walked by and said “he’s gone”….I listened
for what felt like a few minutes before asking who they were talking about.-
she said the bed number…. I spun my chair around and scanned the assignment board
furiously…the Dr. declared the time of death just as I realized who she was
referring to.
In Nursing
we have policies and procedure manuals for almost everything. Need to give an
IV med and don’t know how fast to give it? We can look that up. Injections,
lifts, transfers, suctioning, anything with tubes, lines, needles, drains,
meds, or equipment…..there is a policy for that……
There is no
policy or procedure manual to tell you how to deal with the hurricane of
emotions that can come crashing in on you, the moment you realize that the
patient who’s life just ended, was the same patient you spent 2 days caring for
the week before….. there are no guidelines or policies to tell you how to go
about your day…. and continue to keep it
together, continue to be a great nurse and provide exemplary care, even
though a very valuable, and cherished life, has literally just ended.
That
reality slapped me in the face before I had time to protect myself. My heart
sank into my stomach and the air was completely sucked from my lungs. “I know
him” I said as my eyes filled with tears….tears of shock, sadness and
disbelief. I tried so hard to fight them and I could feel my eyebrows furrowing……I
walked to the room and tried to mentally prepare for what I was about to see.
Fighting the choking feeling in the back of my throat, I opened the curtains.
He looked so different than how I remembered him. Only a week ago he was feisty
and alert. Now his body lay there, peacefully lifeless. His eyes were closed
and his mouth was wide open. I felt a smile cross my lips and a tear raced down
my cheek as I admired how still and at peace he appeared. I pulled back the
sheet and held his hand for a moment. It was still warm. I took a deep breath
and put all those feelings on the back burner. I was so sad…..but my role was
to continue to be a nurse…. I would have plenty of time to be sad later. I went
and found the charge nurse…
“so what do we do now?”
I asked eagerly…..I wanted to do
whatever I could…my patients were stable and I felt I had a connection with him.
I was told
the procedure for getting the patient ready for the family. I removed all IV lines,
put the patients dentures in and made him look as handsome as I could….the
whole time reminding myself what my role was. I was the Nurse, I was not there
to mourn the loss of this man as a friend or family member, I was not there to
judge his life or his choices, I was not there to engage in any complex patient care skills. My role was to be present, and that was such an honour.
Life is so crazy. We live day in and day out trying to
get somewhere, to be someone, to get better, faster, stronger, at
something…..and then in the end, there is only stillness. Everything just
stops. Life continued to go on around us, as I prepared his body for his
family, but in that room, for those few moments….everything was still.
I have never touched a lifeless body before today, so of
course I was not prepared for the emotional upheaval that accompanied all of
this, but I also don’t think I will ever “get
used to it” as a nurse. I am becoming
a great nurse, and for me, that means that I will always have a certain level of emotional connection to my patients.
I care for them, and about them in a
very genuine way…… I learned today, that that is one of the qualities that
will make me great at my job. It
is because I connected with him, because I took the time to get to know
him, and because I genuinely cared
for his well being, that I was able to go in that room ……respectfully, and
professionally, as a nurse and a human
being, and prepare him for his final hugs and kisses from his family. After
I did all I could for him, I finished my shift. I charted for my other
patients, removed 2 IV lines and did another set of vitals….. And then…. yes …….I cried…
I cried on the way home in my
car, I cried when I got in the door and I cried as I changed out of my scrubs….
I cried for almost the whole time as I
wrote this…..Because life is so precious!! Because I am a human being too…… And
sometimes nursing is hard!! because sometimes no matter what you do as a nurse to ensure your patient will be
comfortable, to help them get better, all of the interventions and careplans….sometimes
that is not enough. And yes, I have learned about boundaries with
nursing and I know enough that I will not dwell on this patient or his outcome,
but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel, it doesn’t mean I can just forget about it
once I leave the ward, and it doesn’t mean it wasn’t a hard ass day…..I am so
thankful to him for all he taught me in his passing… I hope peace and comfort
will find his family as they find their way through this time.
RIP
XOXO
Alana- Student Nurse
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