It’s been a
long time coming, but in 3 days I will be heading off to Central America, on my
own, to hopefully help a little piece of humanity. I am excited, and also
nervous at the possibilities. This is
about so much more than my international
experience in Nursing. There are so many things to consider in regards to
cultural competence, critical social theory, and ethics in a third world medical
environment. It’s not just about how this experience is going to mold and shape
me, but also how will my presence affect them…..what impact will my being there have
on their lives? We will see, I only pray that it is positive. 5 weeks is a
very long time to be away from my little girl and my puppy. Just today Paige has started to show some
concern that I am leaving. Her biggest fear is that I will get bit by a shark
or attacked by a giant spider…..
she is so cute. At least we will have facetime.
To be honest, though, I need to get the hell out of here......
When my
boyfriend and partner of 4 years decided it was time to pull the plug on our
seemingly happy relationship, it sort of felt like my world was collapsing all
around me. Especially since it was 2 days before my most stressful final exam. Thank
heaven for my amazing Mother who instantly told me to book a flight and come home for a
few days….the huge fondue meal and late night chats definitely helped the heartache (Thanks
Mommy xxx).
So, he has
decided that we want different things…..translation- he will never be willing
to commit in the way I want him to….Its been 3 weeks. I am starting to heal. I have
realized that I really was compromising too much of myself in that relationship
anyways. I gave up on fairy tale romance (wtf!), I gave up on traditional values that
I had, I gave up, and gave in a lot more than I should have. He said he needed
to move slow, but what he meant was that he’d rather not move at all, certainly
not in with us….even after 4 years. Fine. There are certain things that I do want
to have in my relationships, and there are some things that I now require, …… and if I
can find a person who shares some of the same values and some of the same goals, well that’s a start. I see now just how important it is to want the same things. I love
kissing, and I love romance, and I need to feel appreciated, desired, and cared
for. I like to stay up late and sleep in late (whenever I can) and I am fascinated
by the human capacity for emotion. I like to talk philosophy, and write poetry,
and watch the sunset. I feel life deeply, and not just my own experiences
either. I feel for him too. I know he never wanted to hurt us. He is one of the
best people I know, we just want different things…..time to accept that fact I
guess, and stop giving myself away, in hopes that one day he might compromise
back…
For now, I
need figure out who I am without him, figure out how to be alone. Because I
don’t think that I have ever REALLY been alone…. I am ok with that, and I know
for sure that I won’t compromise on what’s important to me, ever again. Where there is life, there is love, and there is magic in every experience. I am
not mad at him anymore, just sad that I have also lost a best friend. That
part sucks. I learned a lot from him, about myself, and for that I am thankful.
It’s disappointing for Paige too….that pisses me off. I have to trust that all
change is positive, because we can only keep going forward….so here I go…..
Aside from 3 new bikinis, snorkel gear, and an
open mind, I am bringing my own set of beliefs with me to Roatan, my own life experience,
my own ideas of what nursing is……and I am trying really hard to leave the
assumptions at the door. I realize that no amount of research is going to
prepare me for what I am about to experience, and that if I blink, I might miss
opportunities for growth. With this trip, also comes a big project that may
help to shape things for future BCIT students, and one that will certainly force me
to be 100 percent honest with myself about what I actually experience, on a
very personal level. I promise to share that finished product with you all when
it’s done!
I am
looking forward to the beach, the clinic, the other volunteers, banana
doughnuts, and personal (as well as professional) growth......
A few cocktails with umbrellas in them is most likely on the agenda too. See you in July Canada!
A few cocktails with umbrellas in them is most likely on the agenda too. See you in July Canada!
