When one door closes…..leave the Country!

It’s been a long time coming, but in 3 days I will be heading off to Central America, on my own, to hopefully help a little piece of humanity. I am excited, and also nervous at the possibilities.  This is about so much more than my international experience in Nursing. There are so many things to consider in regards to cultural competence, critical social theory, and ethics in a third world medical environment. It’s not just about how this experience is going to mold and shape me, but  also how will my presence affect them…..what impact will my being there have on their lives? We will see, I only pray that it is positive. 5 weeks is a very long time to be away from my little girl and my puppy.  Just today Paige has started to show some concern that I am leaving. Her biggest fear is that I will get bit by a shark or attacked by a giant spider…..

she is so cute. At least we will have facetime.

To be honest, though, I need to get  the hell out of here......

            When my boyfriend and partner of 4 years decided it was time to pull the plug on our seemingly happy relationship, it sort of felt like my world was collapsing all around me. Especially since it was 2 days before my most stressful final exam. Thank heaven for my amazing Mother who instantly told me to book a flight  and come home for a few days….the huge fondue meal and late night chats definitely helped the heartache (Thanks Mommy xxx).

So, he has decided that we want different things…..translation- he will never be willing to commit in the way I want him to….Its been 3 weeks. I am starting to heal. I have realized that I really was compromising too much of myself in that relationship anyways. I gave up on fairy tale romance (wtf!), I gave up on traditional values that I had, I gave up, and gave in a lot more than I should have. He said he needed to move slow, but what he meant was that he’d rather not move at all, certainly not in with us….even after 4 years. Fine. There are certain things that I do want to have in my relationships, and there are some things that I now require, …… and if I can find a person who shares some of the same values and some of the same goals, well that’s a start. I see now just how important it is to want the same things. I love kissing, and I love romance, and I need to feel appreciated, desired, and cared for. I like to stay up late and sleep in late (whenever I can) and I am fascinated by the human capacity for emotion. I like to talk philosophy, and write poetry, and watch the sunset. I feel life deeply, and not just my own experiences either. I feel for him too. I know he never wanted to hurt us. He is one of the best people I know, we just want different things…..time to accept that fact I guess, and stop giving myself away, in hopes that one day he might compromise back…

For now, I need figure out who I am without him, figure out how to be alone. Because I don’t think that I have ever REALLY been alone…. I am ok with that, and I know for sure that I won’t compromise on what’s important to me, ever again.  Where there is life, there is love, and there is magic in every experience. I am not mad at him anymore, just sad that I have also lost a best friend. That part sucks. I learned a lot from him, about myself, and for that I am thankful. It’s disappointing for Paige too….that pisses me off. I have to trust that all change is positive, because we can only keep going forward….so here I go…..

             Aside from 3 new bikinis, snorkel gear, and an open mind, I am bringing my own set of beliefs with me to Roatan, my own life experience, my own ideas of what nursing is……and I am trying really hard to leave the assumptions at the door. I realize that no amount of research is going to prepare me for what I am about to experience, and that if I blink, I might miss opportunities for growth. With this trip, also comes a big project that may help to shape things for future BCIT students, and one that will certainly force me to be 100 percent honest with myself about what I actually experience, on a very personal level. I promise to share that finished product with you all when it’s done!

            I am looking forward to the beach, the clinic, the other volunteers, banana doughnuts, and personal (as well as professional) growth......

A few cocktails with umbrellas in them is most likely on the agenda too. See you in July Canada!

xoxo Alana- Student Nurse