Feels like home

It’s been 12 shifts.

12 shifts in the intermediate nursery and I am in love.... I am home

I am humbled….every day, by the patients, the families, and the skills of the nurses that spend their days and nights in that room. I have seen a lot! I have spent a lot of time getting to know the unit, getting to know the routines….getting to know myself as a neonatal nurse. I have been faced with quite a few challenges this rotation, ones that I was not expecting. I had to go from novice to beginner, had to rewind and go back to the beginning.  Everything is different. I am ending my education at BCIT and it feels like I am just starting…

Normal vital signs are different, blood sugar levels are different… IV rates, medications, everything is different!

3.5 cc’s push over 5 minutes for IV antibiotics. Total intake is so important, as is what comes out. Instead of call bells I get cries and grunts, or the 3 different alarm levels on the continuous monitors. Poop is so important, as is temperature.

The energy in the unit has a giant impact on my tiny patients and I have had to learn to read baby language. A furrowed brow, a sleepy smile, a high pitched cry… those are the communication skills I have had to develop.

I was so excited to get to this place… since before I was even accepted into this program at BCIT, I knew…. I KNEW in my heart that I was meant to be a NICU nurse…. I never knew what that really meant. I did my best to educate myself, to gain exposure… to be SURE. The truth is, we can never be 100 percent sure. I mean, certainly in the moment, I have felt 100 percent sure about many decisions in life, but there is always the natural flow of the universe… and within it, change. Ideas, ideals, dreams… all change. I had really high hopes for this placement, and while I have not been disappointed, I have certainly been challenged…in many ways.

I have found myself looking in the mirror at 3 am on a night shift and seeing a nurse staring back at me!!….That is a whole new way to see myself and honestly the weight of it, while exciting, is scary too. This is a totally new way of identifying with myself….Alana Smith, RN….I am starting to see the weight of those two letters. I have a responsibility… to my patients, to my community…. and for me, to a much bigger global community. I love neonatal nursing, that certainly hasn’t changed! …. I love nursing so much, also no change (phew). I have just been feeling so anxious.......

 I worked so hard to get into the nursing program, to do well in the nursing program… and now that is ending. Now there is a whole lifetime of unknowns AGAIN. I don’t have a job.....I don’t really have a plan…. I have a great love for nursing, and a commitment to be the best RN I can be, but that brings little comfort when I also have a soon to be 9 year old, and 40,000.00 in debt. I guess I thought that all the work I put in, in an attempt to eventually be seamlessly hired at my current placement after grad would be enough, I failed to take into account how they actually ran things there….lol. Oh the details!. So I take this as a blessing, and a reminder that just because I don’t know the plan, doesn’t mean there isn’t one. I have been forced to trust the universe many times in the past, and so I will do it again…. Knowing that whatever happens in my life, happens because it is supposed to. Even though this preceptorship experience hasn’t been perfect (in fact far from it) it has been exactly what I have needed. I can see the gifts and I am greatful for them. I believe the point of life is to remember who we are and to live the grandest version of ourselves….sometimes we have to experience who we are not, in order to remember who we are.

Before I applied to film school in 2000, I saw a palm reader. I was expecting to hear about how famous I was going to become… instead the reader told me that I would be involved in healing, that I would heal with my hands in some way, that I would be involved in health care at a high level…ugh! My 17 year old brain thought YEAH RIGHT… what about acting???… THAT is what I am going to do with my life… what is this loony toon talking about???? I totally blew her off….but I never forgot.....

 When I moved to BC in 2002, I moved here to be an actress. I was 100 percent sure that I was supposed to be in film, that I could change the world through film. Before I came out, I met with a medium of sorts, and she told me that I had to move here, not for film, but because “there are people there that you need to meet, people that are going to play a big part in your life, in your future… you need to go”. So I did…. I came here, with no family, no money, no plan, outside of going to film school…..

Turns out, she was right…..

I met the father of my daughter. Had I not have met him, I would not have had her, and had I not have had her, I may have never risen to this inner responsibility to care for humanity, may never have been brave enough to risk everything to follow my heart, may never have grown the balls to stand up for what is really important in life, and I certainly wouldn’t be the nurse or person that I am today. I owe so much to my daughter. 4 years after deciding to become a nurse, we are both still here. Healthy, happy, not without challenges of course, but we love each other. I want her to believe that she can do anything she sets her mind to, and now I’m not just saying that… I have lived it. I have done it…. I am doing it right now.

I also met my best friend… my ex boyfriend, but forever best friend… who has supported me through every stressful paper, every sleepless night, every rant… he is not perfect either, but he has always believed in me… That is not a gift to be underestimated. Having my amazing family on my side (even if in a different province) as well has saved my ass on several occasions. Don’t ever underestimate the power of the people in your life who love you.

There is no ending here….only the next chapter. While I have only a mere 12 shifts left in my BSN program, I have yet to begin my life as a registered nurse. I will never stop growing… I have spent a lot of my life looking forward to some destination….. turning 18, finishing film school, my first role, getting married, becoming a Mother, getting into nursing, surviving nursing school, becoming an RN…. Changing the world. I have always felt that if I could make a positive impact in one person’s life, that I would be happy…. But  now knowing that I have that capability every day, and that I can actually get paid to do that, is a huge honour.... and an opportunity I don't intend to waste.

I started this blog with the hope that 1 person might read it…..1 person who was considering going into nursing, one Mother who thought she could never start at the beginning again, one daughter who thought she could never do it on her own, one person who needed a tiny push to follow their dreams, to see that just because it’s what you want, does not mean it is always easy or without challenges. 10,000 views in many countries later, I am in awe. When I decided to be a nurse, I hadn’t even finished high school. I had to go back and take grade 11 chemistry in class at age 28, had to get a math tutor for grade 11 math…..I don’t mention that for a pat on the back, but offer it as a reminder that it is possible to live your dreams, no matter what. You only need to be brave enough to try. Sometimes we focus on the end destination, and it can look really overwhelming and big, but I have learned to bust it up and break it down into the “next step”. What do you need to do this week to get closer to your goals?, what can you control and what can you let go of…. I love the NICU...........and I love travel, and I love the adrenaline of the ER, and I love the variety of medical, the intensity of cardiac, the freedom of public health, and the UNKNOWN. I love that there is so much for me to discover and while I think I will start and end in the NICU, I know that in the middle, there is room for so much more J  144 hours to go in this chapter….I am so excited to turn the page. 

xoxo

Alana - Student Nurse

L6 is finally here!!!

       

            It has been a busy, but very relaxing summer around here. I finished my two least favorite classes and solidified my first preceptorship placement back at LGH. I am happy to be starting the final leg of this journey so close to home, and look forward to the opportunity to get to know a new ward, and a new patient population. I am so excited for the autonomy this next level promises, but know I will miss working with my classmates. There was some comfort knowing that there were other people….friends… very close by, going through very similar experiences on the floor, and it was nice  knowing we had each others backs if the brown stuff hit the fan. Now I will be working with my preceptor (also a BCIT grad!) and alongside all of the other RN’s, LPN’s, DR’s, RT’s, PT’s, OT’s and CA’s on the unit. This is going to be a big change, but we knew we would have to cut the cord eventually. And while the first half of L6 promises a steep learning curve, and will require me to adjust back into critical thinking mode after a few months of zoning out, and is sure to provide me with ample opportunity to learn…… I am really looking forward to the second half of L6……. If all the stars align just right (please, please, please), I will be spending the last 8 weeks of my BSN education caring for the hospital’s tiniest patients for my final placement .....in neonatal nursing..…. That is where I truly belong and I can’t wait to get there. I must remind myself to live in the now, because I know there is lots to do before I am ready for P2. Adjusting to 12 hour shifts and night shifts for starters…...

Eating dinner at 6 am will take a while to wrap my brain (and digestive system) around…..not to mention the increased responsibility and patient load. I am trading papers and exams for 4 am call bells and policy manuals…..it’s a pretty sweet trade actually… but bye bye normal sleeping pattern, hello do not disturb button on iphone

            Although my term officially started on the 18^th, my first shift is scheduled for Sunday. It’s a day shift and a buddy shift, meaning I get to follow my preceptor around and soak up as much info as possible. I am happy to have this extra time now to review the unit binder my preceptor provided, and look over all the skills I learned way back in L4….. plus I have actually had time to go to the gym!!!! At the same time, I do just want to get in there and get going! Crazy to think that there are only 4 months left!!! 

I can see the light!!

           I was blessed to have a wonderful 2.5 weeks with my family back in Edmonton, which I was totally needing. Paige has had a very very exciting summer. We’ve enjoyed trips to the pool, the beach, driving range, road trips around BC, archery and gondola rides with Gramma in Panorama, WEM waterpark slides, AND a brand new baby sister!! With the big teacher strike going on here, it is hard to tell if she will start grade 4 on time, but she certainly isn't too worried about that :). She will also be starting soccer this Sept and I might  be more excited about that than she is…. but here’s hoping she loves it as much as I did.

                I have been thinking a lot lately about where I want to go with my nursing career.... there is so much I plan to accomplish both locally, and internationally. With the exciting approval of my global health initiative at BCIT this June, I have become even more curious about all things related to international nursing, and nursing education. It is so rewarding to see hard work pay off, and I am thrilled that current, and future students will have more opportunity in terms of global health theory and international practice. It is a work in progress, but we have been given the green light to at least get started and I am so thankful for that! Quite perfectly there is a huge conference on global nursing next June… in Soeul… yes, of course I am going J Seems too perfect of an opportunity to pass up. For now though, I better focus on excelling in preceptorship 1 and 2 and conquering the NCLEX…..

xoxo
Alana - Student nurse

Another term over.....wait...nevermind

        5.5 is done!

                   Well level 5.5 is over, this is my extended term and I feel like I should have trained for this marathon…. no more public health clinical L Community theory, leadership, neonatal theory 1, and research are all over. I'm in Neonatal theory 2, breastfeeding, with 2 more to start in about a week.

 I had a love/hate relationship with this term…. I really enjoyed my clinical placement/group/instructor…..more than I expected, but all the online stuff was stressful. Online is actually more work in my opinion, because all of the discussions are sooooo drawn out. There is also so much room for misinterpretation. For the first time since starting this program, I found myself in a situation where my interpretation of a person based on their online expression, was totally off compared to who they were in person. .......(this is true in the online dating world as well!! things are NOT always what they seem!!!) case in point below....

 This was a good reminder that, no matter what the words are on the page, people will interpret them based on who they are, not just what the message says. Tone and emotion are often misinterpreted and before you react, you ought to have a face to face. Unfortunately many people never do that part, and they go on assuming they know the whole story and continue to carry around negative opinions….I’ve decided not to do that…..I’m finding there is so much negativity out there, I refuse to engage in it, and I refuse to be a carrier……there is good in everyone, and in all situations if you take the time to look.

Find the silver lining

            I think there will always be people that take most things personally. I used to do that…. a lot. I still do sometimes, but I am getting better. The more committees I am involved in, and the more I have to present information to different groups, the more I realize that I can’t please everyone. I also can’t control how everyone interprets me, and I am ok with that. My intention is always just to share what I have learned. This understanding is making me more aware when others present as well. Speaking of presenting, I got to present to the curriculum committee on the global health research/initiative I have been working on. It was well received and is going through the formal approval process this month!,  with changes to be implemented as early as next term!! A colleague and I will be presenting to faculty tomorrow on our work with the new NCLEX-RN and student perspectives...... and BCIT really DOES value student perspectives, which is great. 

            My little princess is growing like a weed. I love her more every day. She is going to be a big sister (her Dad is expecting, not me!!) come August, which is very exciting for her. It will be a busy time, as I will be heading into my final preceptorship as well. First though will be 17 days back in Edmonton with my family. I miss them so much and it would sure be nice to have them around to help with Paige. Lately it has been really hard to validate staying in Vancouver. It is super expensive- pretty….sure, but I miss my family. My sister is coming in June and taking me to UFC –yay!! And then to Tough Mudder the next weekend – ugh. I’m pretty nervous for the second one, but I am sure we will have a blast.

I am totally at risk for that first one....

            As of July 31, I will no longer be an employee at The Rusty Gull…..11 years later! I have such mixed feelings about this, but am happy to be beginning a new chapter in my life! Not really sure how I am going to pay the bills at this point, but I trust that things will work out…..they always do.

            There have been quite a few heavy things dropped on me this term (emotionally) and I have been handling them ok but I can feel my stress level getting higher as I get closer to the end of school because it is starting to get real….. I am excited and nervous, and feel so much like that first month before I started the program. I remember thinking “wahooo, I’m going to start nursing school!!....wait….I am starting nursing school and actually have to go to school for 3 years!”… now it’s “ wahoo!, I’m almost done nursing school!!! Wait…I am finishing school and actually have to go be a Registered Nurse!.”
Everything seems to be coming full circle…..

            This summer will be busy with 4 online courses, a 28 page paper on the pathophysiology of neonatal vulnerability,  visits with mommy, road trips with Paige to explore BC, and deciding what beach I would like to spend Christmas on….planning fantasy trips is my favorite way to avoid homework these daysJ 

xoxo Alana- Student Nurse

Connecting to the Work, Myself, and the World.

Back to the books

Level 5 is all online….. ALL of it. Except the clinical stuff of course, but the rest is all online. I thought it would be challenging and that was an understatement. There are a lot of readings….about a zillion I think, and multiple weekly discussions. I’m finding flow. I’m doing my best…..It’s already going by fast. While it has been nice doing homework in my jammies, I do miss seeing everyone and bouncing ideas off my friends. It takes serious self direction, and requires a real connection to what I am learning in order to commit.

Flexible body flexible mind

I have recently completed a 30 day yoga challenge. It started out as a way of getting me moving again, something physical to commit to- in an attempt to re-balance the energies that have been in constant flux since starting this program. I wanted to find peace. I heard the inner call for stillness so,  I just showed up. What followed was more than a kick start to healthier lifestyle. I was reminded why I loved yoga to begin with. The physical changes have been undeniable in the past 30 plus days, but more impressive than improved flexibility, increased concentration, and amazing sleep, is my renewed connection to myself, +++ patience, +++ acceptance in each moment.

In nursing we sometimes talk about becoming task focused and the impact this can have on our patient care. I became focused on the tasks of nursing school and the task of staying busy….. a tactic I so often employ when that inner voice starts to whisper, asking me to slow down….. I know when I hear that voice that I have some work to do inside. I am fully aware of the importance of taking time for myself, and I even brought that up in an entry from level 1…. I said “yoga from now on” because I knew that would be exactly what I needed…. I said it!..... and I think I went to 2 classes since then. I was so busy with the tasks of writing papers, creating presentations, studying for exams, working late nights, raising a young lady, helping out in a 3^rd world community, that I dismissed that whisper.... that inner knowing. I somehow justified not going, because something was always more important than me. I realize that if my bucket runs out, everything that I have been so focused on, is going to fall apart. Yoga fills my bucket. Time….quality time with Paige fills my bucket. Rich friendships fill my bucket. My connection to my family fills my bucket.

Taking it off the mat

Weather I do hot, hatha, flow, yin, or power, the results are the same. Stillness, peace, love. Yoga is about so much more than asana, and even if I fall out of every pose, or cant twist my legs around each other quite how I would like, there is value in showing up and finding stillness. I have learned acceptance. It took a long time to be able to stare at my reflection in those giant mirrors without adjusting something, fixing something, or just looking away. It is hard to look into the eyes of someone you have been purposefully ignoring for so long. It was tough to just be present without wanting to change something....

So I had to forgive myself for not showing up sooner, and in the same breath accept that I am perfect just the way I am. I had to breath.

I am feeling rejuvenated, grounded, focused, and light.

Opening the door

I  recently attended the Canadian Student Nurse Association’s national conference where I got to hear some very motivational, informative speakers, and connect with students from all over Canada. Global healthcare has been on my mind for some time, and I can almost palpate the potential benefit of connecting our communities. What started as a desire to see another culture, to see nursing in a totally different context, has grown to be something so much bigger. I am currently working on a project to inject globalization into my nursing program and would absolutely love to hear from my readers  outside of BC (of course my BC friends are always welcome to leave a comment as well :). Where are you from? Are you in nursing? What is it like for you? I know we can learn so much from each other and I would love to get the conversation going. Feel free to leave a comment below.

Remember to fill your buckets!

xoxo Alana- Student Nurse