Feels like home

It’s been 12 shifts.

12 shifts in the intermediate nursery and I am in love.... I am home

I am humbled….every day, by the patients, the families, and the skills of the nurses that spend their days and nights in that room. I have seen a lot! I have spent a lot of time getting to know the unit, getting to know the routines….getting to know myself as a neonatal nurse. I have been faced with quite a few challenges this rotation, ones that I was not expecting. I had to go from novice to beginner, had to rewind and go back to the beginning.  Everything is different. I am ending my education at BCIT and it feels like I am just starting…

Normal vital signs are different, blood sugar levels are different… IV rates, medications, everything is different!

3.5 cc’s push over 5 minutes for IV antibiotics. Total intake is so important, as is what comes out. Instead of call bells I get cries and grunts, or the 3 different alarm levels on the continuous monitors. Poop is so important, as is temperature.

The energy in the unit has a giant impact on my tiny patients and I have had to learn to read baby language. A furrowed brow, a sleepy smile, a high pitched cry… those are the communication skills I have had to develop.

I was so excited to get to this place… since before I was even accepted into this program at BCIT, I knew…. I KNEW in my heart that I was meant to be a NICU nurse…. I never knew what that really meant. I did my best to educate myself, to gain exposure… to be SURE. The truth is, we can never be 100 percent sure. I mean, certainly in the moment, I have felt 100 percent sure about many decisions in life, but there is always the natural flow of the universe… and within it, change. Ideas, ideals, dreams… all change. I had really high hopes for this placement, and while I have not been disappointed, I have certainly been challenged…in many ways.

I have found myself looking in the mirror at 3 am on a night shift and seeing a nurse staring back at me!!….That is a whole new way to see myself and honestly the weight of it, while exciting, is scary too. This is a totally new way of identifying with myself….Alana Smith, RN….I am starting to see the weight of those two letters. I have a responsibility… to my patients, to my community…. and for me, to a much bigger global community. I love neonatal nursing, that certainly hasn’t changed! …. I love nursing so much, also no change (phew). I have just been feeling so anxious.......

 I worked so hard to get into the nursing program, to do well in the nursing program… and now that is ending. Now there is a whole lifetime of unknowns AGAIN. I don’t have a job.....I don’t really have a plan…. I have a great love for nursing, and a commitment to be the best RN I can be, but that brings little comfort when I also have a soon to be 9 year old, and 40,000.00 in debt. I guess I thought that all the work I put in, in an attempt to eventually be seamlessly hired at my current placement after grad would be enough, I failed to take into account how they actually ran things there….lol. Oh the details!. So I take this as a blessing, and a reminder that just because I don’t know the plan, doesn’t mean there isn’t one. I have been forced to trust the universe many times in the past, and so I will do it again…. Knowing that whatever happens in my life, happens because it is supposed to. Even though this preceptorship experience hasn’t been perfect (in fact far from it) it has been exactly what I have needed. I can see the gifts and I am greatful for them. I believe the point of life is to remember who we are and to live the grandest version of ourselves….sometimes we have to experience who we are not, in order to remember who we are.

Before I applied to film school in 2000, I saw a palm reader. I was expecting to hear about how famous I was going to become… instead the reader told me that I would be involved in healing, that I would heal with my hands in some way, that I would be involved in health care at a high level…ugh! My 17 year old brain thought YEAH RIGHT… what about acting???… THAT is what I am going to do with my life… what is this loony toon talking about???? I totally blew her off….but I never forgot.....

 When I moved to BC in 2002, I moved here to be an actress. I was 100 percent sure that I was supposed to be in film, that I could change the world through film. Before I came out, I met with a medium of sorts, and she told me that I had to move here, not for film, but because “there are people there that you need to meet, people that are going to play a big part in your life, in your future… you need to go”. So I did…. I came here, with no family, no money, no plan, outside of going to film school…..

Turns out, she was right…..

I met the father of my daughter. Had I not have met him, I would not have had her, and had I not have had her, I may have never risen to this inner responsibility to care for humanity, may never have been brave enough to risk everything to follow my heart, may never have grown the balls to stand up for what is really important in life, and I certainly wouldn’t be the nurse or person that I am today. I owe so much to my daughter. 4 years after deciding to become a nurse, we are both still here. Healthy, happy, not without challenges of course, but we love each other. I want her to believe that she can do anything she sets her mind to, and now I’m not just saying that… I have lived it. I have done it…. I am doing it right now.

I also met my best friend… my ex boyfriend, but forever best friend… who has supported me through every stressful paper, every sleepless night, every rant… he is not perfect either, but he has always believed in me… That is not a gift to be underestimated. Having my amazing family on my side (even if in a different province) as well has saved my ass on several occasions. Don’t ever underestimate the power of the people in your life who love you.

There is no ending here….only the next chapter. While I have only a mere 12 shifts left in my BSN program, I have yet to begin my life as a registered nurse. I will never stop growing… I have spent a lot of my life looking forward to some destination….. turning 18, finishing film school, my first role, getting married, becoming a Mother, getting into nursing, surviving nursing school, becoming an RN…. Changing the world. I have always felt that if I could make a positive impact in one person’s life, that I would be happy…. But  now knowing that I have that capability every day, and that I can actually get paid to do that, is a huge honour.... and an opportunity I don't intend to waste.

I started this blog with the hope that 1 person might read it…..1 person who was considering going into nursing, one Mother who thought she could never start at the beginning again, one daughter who thought she could never do it on her own, one person who needed a tiny push to follow their dreams, to see that just because it’s what you want, does not mean it is always easy or without challenges. 10,000 views in many countries later, I am in awe. When I decided to be a nurse, I hadn’t even finished high school. I had to go back and take grade 11 chemistry in class at age 28, had to get a math tutor for grade 11 math…..I don’t mention that for a pat on the back, but offer it as a reminder that it is possible to live your dreams, no matter what. You only need to be brave enough to try. Sometimes we focus on the end destination, and it can look really overwhelming and big, but I have learned to bust it up and break it down into the “next step”. What do you need to do this week to get closer to your goals?, what can you control and what can you let go of…. I love the NICU...........and I love travel, and I love the adrenaline of the ER, and I love the variety of medical, the intensity of cardiac, the freedom of public health, and the UNKNOWN. I love that there is so much for me to discover and while I think I will start and end in the NICU, I know that in the middle, there is room for so much more J  144 hours to go in this chapter….I am so excited to turn the page. 

xoxo

Alana - Student Nurse