It’s been 12 shifts.
12 shifts in the intermediate nursery and I am in love.... I am home
I am humbled….every
day, by the patients, the families, and the skills of the nurses that spend
their days and nights in that room. I have seen a lot! I have spent a lot of
time getting to know the unit, getting to know the routines….getting to know
myself as a neonatal nurse. I have been faced with quite a few challenges this
rotation, ones that I was not expecting. I had to go from novice to beginner,
had to rewind and go back to the beginning. Everything is different. I am ending my
education at BCIT and it feels like I am just starting…
Normal vital signs are different, blood sugar levels are
different… IV rates, medications, everything is different!
3.5 cc’s push over 5 minutes for IV antibiotics. Total
intake is so important, as is what comes out. Instead of call bells I get cries
and grunts, or the 3 different alarm levels on the continuous monitors. Poop is
so important, as is temperature.
The energy in the unit has a giant impact on my tiny
patients and I have had to learn to read baby language. A furrowed brow, a
sleepy smile, a high pitched cry… those are the communication skills I have had
to develop.
I was so excited to get to this place… since before I was
even accepted into this program at BCIT, I knew…. I KNEW in my heart that I was
meant to be a NICU nurse…. I never knew what that really meant. I did my best
to educate myself, to gain exposure… to be SURE. The truth is, we can never be
100 percent sure. I mean, certainly in the moment, I have felt 100 percent sure
about many decisions in life, but there is always the natural flow of the
universe… and within it, change. Ideas, ideals, dreams… all change. I had
really high hopes for this placement, and while I have not been disappointed, I
have certainly been challenged…in many ways.
I have found myself looking in the mirror at 3 am on a night
shift and seeing a nurse staring back at me!!….That is a whole new way to see
myself and honestly the weight of it, while exciting, is scary too. This is a
totally new way of identifying with myself….Alana Smith, RN….I am starting to
see the weight of those two letters. I have a responsibility… to my patients,
to my community…. and for me, to a much bigger global community. I love
neonatal nursing, that certainly hasn’t changed! …. I love nursing so much,
also no change (phew). I have just been feeling so anxious.......
I worked so hard to
get into the nursing program, to do well in the nursing program… and now that is ending. Now there is a whole lifetime of unknowns AGAIN. I don’t have a job.....I don’t really have a plan…. I have a great love for nursing, and a commitment
to be the best RN I can be, but that brings little comfort when I also have a
soon to be 9 year old, and 40,000.00 in debt. I guess I thought that all the
work I put in, in an attempt to eventually be seamlessly hired at my current
placement after grad would be enough, I failed to take into account how they
actually ran things there….lol. Oh the details!. So I take this as a blessing,
and a reminder that just because I don’t
know the plan, doesn’t mean there isn’t one. I have been forced to trust
the universe many times in the past, and so I will do it again…. Knowing that
whatever happens in my life, happens because it is supposed to. Even though
this preceptorship experience hasn’t been perfect (in fact far from it) it has
been exactly what I have needed. I can see the gifts and I am greatful for
them. I believe the point of life is to remember who we are and to live the
grandest version of ourselves….sometimes we have to experience who we are not,
in order to remember who we are.
Before I applied to film school in 2000, I saw a palm
reader. I was expecting to hear about how famous I was going to become… instead
the reader told me that I would be involved in healing, that I would heal with
my hands in some way, that I would be involved in health care at a high
level…ugh! My 17 year old brain thought YEAH RIGHT… what about acting???… THAT
is what I am going to do with my life… what is this loony toon talking about???? I
totally blew her off….but I never forgot.....
When I moved to BC in
2002, I moved here to be an actress. I was 100 percent sure that I was supposed
to be in film, that I could change the world through film. Before I came out, I
met with a medium of sorts, and she told me that I had to move here, not for
film, but because “there are people there that you need to meet, people that
are going to play a big part in your life, in your future… you need to go”. So
I did…. I came here, with no family, no money, no plan, outside of going to
film school…..
Turns out, she was right…..
I met the father of my daughter. Had I not have met him, I
would not have had her, and had I not have had her, I may have never risen to
this inner responsibility to care for humanity, may never have been brave enough
to risk everything to follow my heart, may never have grown the balls to stand
up for what is really important in life, and I certainly wouldn’t be the nurse
or person that I am today. I owe so much to my daughter. 4 years after deciding
to become a nurse, we are both still here. Healthy, happy, not without
challenges of course, but we love each other. I want her to believe that she
can do anything she sets her mind to, and now I’m not just saying that… I have
lived it. I have done it…. I am doing it right now.
I also met my best friend… my ex boyfriend, but forever best
friend… who has supported me through every stressful paper, every sleepless
night, every rant… he is not perfect either, but he has always believed in me…
That is not a gift to be underestimated. Having my amazing family on my side
(even if in a different province) as well has saved my ass on several
occasions. Don’t ever underestimate the power of the people in your life who love you.
There is no ending here….only the next chapter. While I have
only a mere 12 shifts left in my BSN program, I have yet to begin my life as a
registered nurse. I will never stop growing… I have spent a lot of my life
looking forward to some destination….. turning 18, finishing film school, my
first role, getting married, becoming a Mother, getting into nursing, surviving
nursing school, becoming an RN…. Changing the world. I have always felt that if
I could make a positive impact in one person’s life, that I would be happy….
But now knowing that I have that capability every day, and that I can actually get
paid to do that, is a huge honour.... and an opportunity I don't intend to waste.
I started this blog with the hope that 1 person might read
it…..1 person who was considering going into nursing, one Mother who thought
she could never start at the beginning again, one daughter who thought she
could never do it on her own, one person who needed a tiny push to follow their
dreams, to see that just because it’s what you want, does not mean it is always easy or without challenges. 10,000 views in many countries later, I am in awe. When I decided to be a nurse, I hadn’t even
finished high school. I had to go back and take grade 11 chemistry in class at age 28,
had to get a math tutor for grade 11 math…..I don’t mention that for a pat on
the back, but offer it as a reminder that it
is possible to live your dreams, no
matter what. You only need to be brave enough to try. Sometimes we focus on
the end destination, and it can look really overwhelming and big, but I have
learned to bust it up and break it down into the “next step”. What do you need
to do this week to get closer to your goals?, what can you control and what can
you let go of…. I love the NICU...........and I love travel, and I love the adrenaline
of the ER, and I love the variety of medical, the intensity of cardiac, the
freedom of public health, and the UNKNOWN. I love that there is so much for me
to discover and while I think I will start and end in the NICU, I know that in
the middle, there is room for so much more J
144 hours to go in this chapter….I am so excited to turn the page.
xoxo
Alana - Student Nurse
