Awareness....

Thoughts on Awareness…

 

I often find myself writing “RN aware”, “Dr. aware"…at the same time that I am reminded what awareness  really means… I don’t believe that being told factual information equates awareness, and I don’t believe that awareness or being aware is as simple as being told something. Knowing is very different than awareness, as is understanding.

Self awareness

            This is something that I always think I know 100 percent. I know me, if nothing else in the world exists, I know that I see, I feel, I hear, I taste, I smell, and I do.  I am learning that even 100 percent certainty can change….and this frustrates me! To accept that I fully admitted to being completely 100 percent certain that I wanted to be a NICU nurse and to now experience a slight shift in  my desires….is fascinating. Only change is certain in this life. I am beginning to admit to MYSELF that…..well…there is A LOT that I want to do. I do want to be a NICU nurse, but I want to be so much more…. I want travel!, I am passionate about humanity…I love babies, but I am passionate about  all people. Women, and family, and equality. health promotion, illness prevention, health “awareness” for everyone…. Global health and equality is a very profound part of my nature. I make mistakes….I am learning….and not just how to be a Nurse, but how to be a 30 year old single working parent, in full time school, dealing with health issues……I mean I am living my life, inside these circumstances, consciously aware of how I am limited, as well as elevated, due to those “facts”. I am aware that I have a lot of growing to do as a Nurse, but I know that it is more of a growing “into” as opposed to a becoming…I am self aware enough to know that nursing is not a choice for me, it’s what I am meant to do……If I could only be aware of where I leave the MAR….we’d be on a roll!

Awareness of others and their awareness of me...reflection

                                            

 I see an image when I look the mirror and I interpret it……based on my whole life, everything that I have ever been told, how I have felt, what I value, what I fear, what I hope and wish for, what I expect and what I feel I am lacking. How could I imagine for one second that everyone who looks at me doesn’t also form an opinion based on all of those things in their life? Maybe I remind them of someone, maybe someone that they miss, or love, or despise….but being aware of them, and trying to comprehend how I am impacting others, has led me to forget how my awareness of their awareness might be changing how I come across…complicated? YES. So back to basics this week. I took the time to evaluate what I was bringing into the room….into the relationship…what was my purpose? And I learned that a Nurses purpose is undefined….that’s the difference between a Dr. and a nurse….. a Dr is there to give answers, to diagnose, to treat…..a nurse is there to ask all the questions that you are too afraid to ask, and all the questions that you think are not important. A nurse is there to observe…..to notice slight changes, in your mood, your attitude, your skin colour. A nurse is there to be aware…and to gain that awareness through experience not just through someone elses’s words in a chart.

Global awareness and beyond

We only know what we experience. We often believe what we are told. And we tell others what we believe to be true. There is so much on the news about Boston and these 2 brothers and the impact that they have created. I found myself felling pretty irritated at the fact that they are getting all this attention…..The world is becoming very aware of what they “did”, but are failing to see that many MANY people died that day, in other parts of the world….in much more excruciating ways, for no reason. North America was not blessed to be populated by a better type of human beings who deserve more attention….there are woman in India with dreams too, there are kids in Korea who just want to be kids…..but the media focuses on this one instance and all the world watches and OOOOOHS and AWWWWs….people are dying needlessly all over the place, and as human beings we ought to look at compassion and awareness as opposed to pity and blame. It is imperative that we develop self awareness as well as global awareness if we are ever going begin to heal the hurt that exists I this world

            This week the awareness started with myself. How can I be more aware? What does that even mean? What changes when I choose to become fully aware of myself? My patients?  My neighbors? My family? The world? What do I have to accept to allow true awareness into my life and what will that change in me as a nurse?

In need of a break

I am very aware that I need a real break. More from school than from nursing….I am tired and I can not wait for the end of this level. Level 3 was great, for sure! Kids, babies, mommies, and mental health…all stuff I truly love…..immunology = not love….and I truly hated jumping from one ward to the next and then the next and being expected to be proficient at ANYTHING in 4 weeks…..we were the perpetual new kids, no time to really get comfortable….not an easy feeling for me. I learned a huge amount, but I didn’t get a chance to fully experience everything that I learned about. My next 4 week rotation is going to be in Central America, away from pbl papers that are never ever perfect, and far FAR away from immunology lectures that I just can not grasp, no matter how much I want to understand. This is the half way mark……must…..keep…..gooiiinn…..Ah forget it, I’m going to bed. Tonight I pray to the immunology gods that somewhere in this brain of mine….enough has been retained to get me through the final exam.

 xoxo

Alana- Student Nurse

Gaining Momentum

4 weeks into level 3 and I'm done paediatrics. Unreal. Unfair and unreal.  I soaked up every single minute on that little ward in RCH! My clinical group is amazing and as usual, routines are setting in.... a little slower this term for some reason, but I will get there. A couple of weeks ago I got to spend some time in the NICU....

I didn’t expect it to be so bright. I didn’t expect it to be so loud. I didn’t expect it to be so busy.  I didn’t expect nursery music, and a calm soothing environment or anything., but I guess I didn’t know what to expect. It dawned on me that this is a busy ICU...for tiny people. I felt for a moment what those tiny babies must feel as they are introduced to the world…. A little bit of shock, uncertainty, and completely over stimulated. I settled in quickly though, as I eagerly walked around the different pods, looking at each tiny, complete, person. Overcome by a feeling of belonging, I began to feel hope. I had hope and love for every little baby in there. They all had 10 fingers, 10 toes, and beating hearts. They all had someone who loved them, someone who wanted more than anything, for them to grow, to get through another day. I knew as well, that if even one of them didn’t have that “someone”, I could give freely, my time, my love, my care, to help them through that day. I was born to do this, and I don't think I will ever be bored in this specialty. 

 In January, I got spend 5 days in Halifax with Student Nurses from all over Canada. First of all the East Coast is awesome! and I plan to return as soon I am able, and second of all, the conference was amazing! I attended workshops on suicide prevention, New Grad transition into the workplace, Leadership, and a thing called "open spaces"...a new way to talk about what matters. I am inspired and excited to move forward with my education, as well as my career.....Immunology is less inspiring...maybe it's just me, but I am not making the connection between the lectures and Nursing, so I tend to zone out......which is not cool when I have a big assignment due on Friday. Oh, also due this Friday is my family assignment and more pharm posts....plus I am having my OB orientation this week.

There is soooo much happening in my world right now. I'm bringing home my new baby (puppy) on Friday! ....yes I know, I'm nuts....but I can't wait any longer. I am initiating  and advocating for CNSA membership for BCIT BSN students, I am taking my first ever discover scuba lesson this week, and am still working 2 shifts a week. I have also decided that I want to conduct a  research study related to MS and am starting to consider my options for resources....this one might have to wait a bit, but I will continue to plug away at it.

My little monkey is doing so well with our busy schedule. She is doing great in school, and will be presenting a science experiment for her class next week. It's like PBL for 7 year olds! She loves making her own money....even if she has to work for it! and to my utter amazement,  she has actually started eating salad! Her art skills continue to impress me, along with her creative writing....a chip off the ol' block I'd say.
Of course she is thrilled to be getting her first puppy, and I know she will love the heck out of our little Zoey. 

I am looking forward to the next 12 weeks and have started to collect donations for my volunteer trip to Honduras.

Tomorrow I start OB! so I'd better get some shut eye!

xoxo
Alana- Student Nurse

level 2 and stuff

Level 2 done!!! Almost….just 3 exams, 1 clinical shift, 1 more exceptionally fun Wednesday-ugh- and a total of 1 week before I am lounging by the pool in Arizona

This term has gone by soooooo fast. I have learned so much as far as skills and med surg goes…..dressing changes, IV meds + maintenece, injections, ostomy care, post op assessments, and I have built on my critical thinking skills! I am so excited for level 3 and all the new experiences it will bring….

I have learned that I hate writing….not this kind of writing, because clearly I love this….but APA, and research articles, and emotionless, subjective data…blab la bla….not my forte’. I have also learned AGAIN to trust the world (see below), and am reminded why I am here.

Paige is getting bigger by the second. She is oh so sensitive (thanks to you know who), and passionate, and strong willed. She is very bright and she feels life at 150%....We are working on how to respond to those big feelings, and as we were discussing it, I couldn’t help but think….she is 7! I know grown-ups that don’t handle their emotions effectively…it’s hard! She is trying though, and I have been trying to spend extra quality time with her too.

Even with a week left in school, my mind is in Roatan. What a tough choice I have to make….and I know you all have your opinions, but in the end, it’s only me who can decide if I bring Paige with me….I want to be at the clinic helping now…. 5 more months seems so far away. I have started collecting donations to take with me, and if anyone wants to help with supplies, I can forward you a list of meds/supplies needs. And thanks again to everyone who came to support my fundraiser. I am so humbled by the generosity.

My Christmas tree is glowing and the fire is plugged in J I better focus on microbiology for a while, or I will regret it in the morning.

My Christmas Wish

Dear humankind:

I want a world where the air I breathe doesn’t give me lung cancer, where the food I eat is not made of chemicals, where people on the other side of the planet… eat just as freely as I do. I want a world where hate, crime, revenge, torture, and greed have no place. I want a world that revolves on love, and community, and health, not money and control….I want a world of peace, a world of higher understanding. I want a more evolved population to have more power, and not because they stole it from the powerless, but because, through truth, and faith, and love, and hope…they accepted the power of one-ness. …. I want those destroying our planet and taking lives at will to hear the message- I am not separate from you, and neither is anyone…so stop the hate, stop hating and try forgiving. Start with yourself…..I want peace, a little peace…please…..And  just so you understand, I don’t just ask this of you, but I too must live the reality that I want to create, so I give freely, my time, my love, my money, my truth and ask nothing from the world in return, because you see my simple act of giving these things is a statement that I indeed have enough….and I do, always ….all ways I have enough. 

In the past 60 days I have received many financial blessings. Just before that, I had nothing….well it felt like nothing, the bank account was looking a little bleak… but instead of complaining, cursing the world, and hanging on to my last pennies….I gave them away. I gave it all away and said “it’s ok, I have enough, in fact I have more than enough” and so I do. These gifts from the universe….I will also give away…..I will go to a place filled with people who have way less than me and I will give  them whatever I can...my time, compassion, hope, love…for free…. because I have enough…..because you see, we all have enough. That is the big secret…..There is enough to go around , if you believed that…..really believed that, you would be free. Free from worry and free from hate. Trust. There is enough love, so stop strangling your lovers. There is enough money so stop the penny pinching...try donating!. There is enough time…..slow down. Thoughts are a powerful force and once set in motion, they go on to create the energy that shapes your reality. You are enough….trust that. One person can change the world, and one simple act can change a life. Together we are that “one”.

Christmas is coming. Paige will be celebrating with her Dad. I think, if I am not working at the pub, I will do something useful….give back……because as I reflect back on the many blessings of this past year, it is very clear that I have received, in abundance, the true gifts in life….time, love, moments, memories, and hope....

Xoxo

Alana-Student Nurse 

On My Way

This week I really started to feel like a nurse. I had my first 12 hour shift at the hospital, which I LOVED. It's so nice to be able to get everything done that I want to get to done for my patients. I was finally signed off on injections and gave 2, did 2 dressing changes, removed a hemovac drain, and admitted a new patient!  My friends and family have started to seek me out for medical advice! I am able to explain things to them and actually know what I am talking about. I have recently been having some minor health issues of my own so have been interpreting my own labs, and linking all of my Dr.'s plans together. I love pathophysiology and I find it so fascinating how our bodies just work......until they don't. I appreciate the knowledge that I have gained, and while it is typically very fulfilling to be able to explain to my smoking friends the precise mechanisms by which they are greater risk for a stroke or heart disease, it doesn't always feel so good to know  exactly what is going on.

A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Cancer. He has tumors in his brain, in his lungs, as well as in his GI tract. He recently lost his wife to kidney failure. While he is not the youngest buck in the barn, he is one of the kindest people I know. He has a history of stroke, hypertension, asthma, and continues to be a heavy smoker/drinker. I probably would too if the Dr. gave me such a poor prognosis.  I ran into this friend the other day and was greeted with the usual warm smile and hello. Something was different. Up to this point, the disease process hadn't really taken much toll on his outward appearance. I immediately gave him the Nurses hand shake to check his pulse and it was not palpable, his hands were extremely swollen. I looked down and his sandals were completely undone as to try and accommodate his growing feet.....peripheral edema. I took note of his complexion....white as a ghost and clammy.......dammit! I asked if he was having trouble breathing.......of course he was....he was filling up. I demanded a list of his prescriptions and prayed that out of the 10 listed medications, the one that I didn't recognize, was some type of diuretic....not so lucky. Everything in in me says CHF.....Late stage CHF.

I believe this because I decided to be a nurse. I picked out the school I wanted to attend and I devoted every ounce of my brain power to completing my pre requisites and to keeping my marks high, so that I might be accepted into the very competitive program I wanted to attend. I believe this because once I got into school, I worked very hard, I studied....alot. I believe this because after only 2 weeks in school, I was spending 2 days a week in the hospital....dealing with people who were experiencing this. I am confident that given my friends history, this is exactly what is happening, because  in the past 10 months, I have learned to trust my gut. If I saw him in this state 10 months ago, I would suggested he put his feet up and get some rest....I know so much more now...because I decided to be a nurse. I am not entitled to make that diagnosis....it is a medical diagnosis after all. And alas, I might be wrong....

I beg him to go to the ER and even offer to drive him. I try to explain in layman's terms, exactly what is happening in his body so he might understand why I want him to go. He explains that he doesn't want to mess up a radiation appointment for tomorrow and might go in in the next couple of days. I ask him again to please go NOW. No luck. A kiss on the cheek and he is out the door...that was Wednesday

There were a few mutual friends around who have decided to be things other than nurses.....They asked what was going on, why was I freaking out....all I could say was that he was really sick and he needs to go to the hospital. I tried to explain what was going on in his body, but either they didn't understand, or they didn't care. It was enough for them to understand that he sick. They attributed it to his Cancer. Suggested that he just needs to go home and rest.....

I got a message last night  (Friday) from one of those friends. He was in the hospital "his lungs were filling up with fluid".

Part of me fells like "I knew it!" and part of me wishes I knew as much as everyone else. I only hope he got there in time. Sometimes it feels really good to know exactly what is going on, and sometimes it feels like crap. When you know something is wrong, and you are pretty sure what is causing someones symptoms AND CANT HELP.....

I decided to be a nurse.....that means that I will work as a nurse, probably in a hospital setting. I will do research, I will wear scrubs, I will bring a stethoscope, I will help people....It also means that 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, I know about illness and disease processes, I know signs and symptoms of infection, hypertension, hypotension, hyper/hypoglycemia, shock, DKA, delirium, Alzheimer's, MI, stroke, heart failure, anaphylaxis, allergic reactions, cold vs flu, depression, anxiety, arthritis,  ICP, asthma, emphysema.......just to name a few. It means that I am ALWAYS aware of these things. Because I am a student nurse, not a nursing student, and because it is not the scrubs or the environment that magically make me a nurse.....it's who I am all of the time. When I leave the hospital, I can't forget about everything that I know....it's starting to become second nature. I still have sooooo much to learn! but this week, I really felt like "I am  getting there".

xo Alana- Student Nurse

Assumptions and Expectations

 Well, 3 weeks into level 2 and routines are starting to settle in.  Paige has finished her first week in grade 2 and is loving it. She says her teacher is really nice, and she has some familiar faces in her class to catch up with.  For me, classes are familiar so I am not having to adjust to a whole new system (thank goodness) and it's been great to be around all the amazing girls and guys in my program again. Clinical has been going well too.....by well I mean, I do the homework, I show up, I learn alot. 4am does come pretty early every other week though. Med-Surg was seeming pretty straightforward, and pretty slow actually.....until this past Friday. I am going to share what I wrote once I got home after clinical, when everything was still fresh. Of course names have been changed to protect privacy.

 It is great to have an outline of how you want your day to go in regards to time, but flexibility in Nursing is so important. I had a heavy day today. Maybe a combination of being so tired from the early mornings, seeing soooo many things I have never seen before, and developing such a solid connection with my patient and her family….It was more than I was expecting today. I didn’t think for a moment that I would arrive on the ward and my patient would be receiving blood in an attempt to balance out the extreme amount of blood lost during surgery, as well as a potential hemorrhage. I didn’t think that my 83 year old patient who has been battling cancer, and has just come back from seriously invasive surgery, who also happened to be quite unstable, would have the inner strength to find humor in her situation. I never knew that someone might name their stoma, and inquire about “his well-being”, just because it seemed like a good idea. I didn’t expect to see so much blood, to see my patient in so much pain and not have the ability to ease it, to see a daughter cry for her Mothers’ discomfort, or to see such an open soul staring at me, fighting to recover, and trusting that I was doing my best. I didn’t expect to see the 2 or 3 staples removed that exposed my patients inner thigh, and the malfunctioning tube that was placed inside her. I didn’t expect to be so calm. I didn’t expect see “less than ideal” practice by a surgeon when dealing with an open wound and I didn’t expect to feel so upset about it. When I woke up today, I made the assumption that today would be similar to every other day that I have been on this ward. Never assume….I assumed my patient was sick, weak, and frail….turns out, she was a fighter, she was so brave, and strong as an OX.  I assumed today would be like yesterday, but everyone is different, every surgery is different, and I am so greatful that I got caught off guard today because It reminded me of a very important fact. No matter what your specialty is, when you choose Nursing, you choose to help people…not to fix diseases, not to treat injuries, you choose to heal people, individuals, families. 2 people with the same procedure/diagnosis may have extremely different outcomes, so lets not categorize anyone into a “oh I have seen that before”, because you may have a seen a abdominoperineal resection with vulvectomy before, but you have never met Mrs. A. Today, I was expecting to meet Mrs. A, and indeed I did meet her, but when I left today I knew her…..and that’s so much what Nursing is about. I also didn’t expect the gratitude that was bestowed upon me today. So many heartfelt, emotional words, from a Mom and her “baby girl”….I am honored. I am feeling overwhelmed, not with sympathy, but empathy, for both of the women I spent the morning with. I will never ever forget them, their strength, or the kind words they said to me in a time that I assumed would be all about them….Never assume….Today was about me too, I learned so much today about both the art and science of Nursing, and once again, I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be.

Xo Alana-Student Nurse