level 2 and stuff

Level 2 done!!! Almost….just 3 exams, 1 clinical shift, 1 more exceptionally fun Wednesday-ugh- and a total of 1 week before I am lounging by the pool in Arizona

This term has gone by soooooo fast. I have learned so much as far as skills and med surg goes…..dressing changes, IV meds + maintenece, injections, ostomy care, post op assessments, and I have built on my critical thinking skills! I am so excited for level 3 and all the new experiences it will bring….

I have learned that I hate writing….not this kind of writing, because clearly I love this….but APA, and research articles, and emotionless, subjective data…blab la bla….not my forte’. I have also learned AGAIN to trust the world (see below), and am reminded why I am here.

Paige is getting bigger by the second. She is oh so sensitive (thanks to you know who), and passionate, and strong willed. She is very bright and she feels life at 150%....We are working on how to respond to those big feelings, and as we were discussing it, I couldn’t help but think….she is 7! I know grown-ups that don’t handle their emotions effectively…it’s hard! She is trying though, and I have been trying to spend extra quality time with her too.

Even with a week left in school, my mind is in Roatan. What a tough choice I have to make….and I know you all have your opinions, but in the end, it’s only me who can decide if I bring Paige with me….I want to be at the clinic helping now…. 5 more months seems so far away. I have started collecting donations to take with me, and if anyone wants to help with supplies, I can forward you a list of meds/supplies needs. And thanks again to everyone who came to support my fundraiser. I am so humbled by the generosity.

My Christmas tree is glowing and the fire is plugged in J I better focus on microbiology for a while, or I will regret it in the morning.

My Christmas Wish

Dear humankind:

I want a world where the air I breathe doesn’t give me lung cancer, where the food I eat is not made of chemicals, where people on the other side of the planet… eat just as freely as I do. I want a world where hate, crime, revenge, torture, and greed have no place. I want a world that revolves on love, and community, and health, not money and control….I want a world of peace, a world of higher understanding. I want a more evolved population to have more power, and not because they stole it from the powerless, but because, through truth, and faith, and love, and hope…they accepted the power of one-ness. …. I want those destroying our planet and taking lives at will to hear the message- I am not separate from you, and neither is anyone…so stop the hate, stop hating and try forgiving. Start with yourself…..I want peace, a little peace…please…..And  just so you understand, I don’t just ask this of you, but I too must live the reality that I want to create, so I give freely, my time, my love, my money, my truth and ask nothing from the world in return, because you see my simple act of giving these things is a statement that I indeed have enough….and I do, always ….all ways I have enough. 

In the past 60 days I have received many financial blessings. Just before that, I had nothing….well it felt like nothing, the bank account was looking a little bleak… but instead of complaining, cursing the world, and hanging on to my last pennies….I gave them away. I gave it all away and said “it’s ok, I have enough, in fact I have more than enough” and so I do. These gifts from the universe….I will also give away…..I will go to a place filled with people who have way less than me and I will give  them whatever I can...my time, compassion, hope, love…for free…. because I have enough…..because you see, we all have enough. That is the big secret…..There is enough to go around , if you believed that…..really believed that, you would be free. Free from worry and free from hate. Trust. There is enough love, so stop strangling your lovers. There is enough money so stop the penny pinching...try donating!. There is enough time…..slow down. Thoughts are a powerful force and once set in motion, they go on to create the energy that shapes your reality. You are enough….trust that. One person can change the world, and one simple act can change a life. Together we are that “one”.

Christmas is coming. Paige will be celebrating with her Dad. I think, if I am not working at the pub, I will do something useful….give back……because as I reflect back on the many blessings of this past year, it is very clear that I have received, in abundance, the true gifts in life….time, love, moments, memories, and hope....

Xoxo

Alana-Student Nurse 

On My Way

This week I really started to feel like a nurse. I had my first 12 hour shift at the hospital, which I LOVED. It's so nice to be able to get everything done that I want to get to done for my patients. I was finally signed off on injections and gave 2, did 2 dressing changes, removed a hemovac drain, and admitted a new patient!  My friends and family have started to seek me out for medical advice! I am able to explain things to them and actually know what I am talking about. I have recently been having some minor health issues of my own so have been interpreting my own labs, and linking all of my Dr.'s plans together. I love pathophysiology and I find it so fascinating how our bodies just work......until they don't. I appreciate the knowledge that I have gained, and while it is typically very fulfilling to be able to explain to my smoking friends the precise mechanisms by which they are greater risk for a stroke or heart disease, it doesn't always feel so good to know  exactly what is going on.

A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Cancer. He has tumors in his brain, in his lungs, as well as in his GI tract. He recently lost his wife to kidney failure. While he is not the youngest buck in the barn, he is one of the kindest people I know. He has a history of stroke, hypertension, asthma, and continues to be a heavy smoker/drinker. I probably would too if the Dr. gave me such a poor prognosis.  I ran into this friend the other day and was greeted with the usual warm smile and hello. Something was different. Up to this point, the disease process hadn't really taken much toll on his outward appearance. I immediately gave him the Nurses hand shake to check his pulse and it was not palpable, his hands were extremely swollen. I looked down and his sandals were completely undone as to try and accommodate his growing feet.....peripheral edema. I took note of his complexion....white as a ghost and clammy.......dammit! I asked if he was having trouble breathing.......of course he was....he was filling up. I demanded a list of his prescriptions and prayed that out of the 10 listed medications, the one that I didn't recognize, was some type of diuretic....not so lucky. Everything in in me says CHF.....Late stage CHF.

I believe this because I decided to be a nurse. I picked out the school I wanted to attend and I devoted every ounce of my brain power to completing my pre requisites and to keeping my marks high, so that I might be accepted into the very competitive program I wanted to attend. I believe this because once I got into school, I worked very hard, I studied....alot. I believe this because after only 2 weeks in school, I was spending 2 days a week in the hospital....dealing with people who were experiencing this. I am confident that given my friends history, this is exactly what is happening, because  in the past 10 months, I have learned to trust my gut. If I saw him in this state 10 months ago, I would suggested he put his feet up and get some rest....I know so much more now...because I decided to be a nurse. I am not entitled to make that diagnosis....it is a medical diagnosis after all. And alas, I might be wrong....

I beg him to go to the ER and even offer to drive him. I try to explain in layman's terms, exactly what is happening in his body so he might understand why I want him to go. He explains that he doesn't want to mess up a radiation appointment for tomorrow and might go in in the next couple of days. I ask him again to please go NOW. No luck. A kiss on the cheek and he is out the door...that was Wednesday

There were a few mutual friends around who have decided to be things other than nurses.....They asked what was going on, why was I freaking out....all I could say was that he was really sick and he needs to go to the hospital. I tried to explain what was going on in his body, but either they didn't understand, or they didn't care. It was enough for them to understand that he sick. They attributed it to his Cancer. Suggested that he just needs to go home and rest.....

I got a message last night  (Friday) from one of those friends. He was in the hospital "his lungs were filling up with fluid".

Part of me fells like "I knew it!" and part of me wishes I knew as much as everyone else. I only hope he got there in time. Sometimes it feels really good to know exactly what is going on, and sometimes it feels like crap. When you know something is wrong, and you are pretty sure what is causing someones symptoms AND CANT HELP.....

I decided to be a nurse.....that means that I will work as a nurse, probably in a hospital setting. I will do research, I will wear scrubs, I will bring a stethoscope, I will help people....It also means that 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, I know about illness and disease processes, I know signs and symptoms of infection, hypertension, hypotension, hyper/hypoglycemia, shock, DKA, delirium, Alzheimer's, MI, stroke, heart failure, anaphylaxis, allergic reactions, cold vs flu, depression, anxiety, arthritis,  ICP, asthma, emphysema.......just to name a few. It means that I am ALWAYS aware of these things. Because I am a student nurse, not a nursing student, and because it is not the scrubs or the environment that magically make me a nurse.....it's who I am all of the time. When I leave the hospital, I can't forget about everything that I know....it's starting to become second nature. I still have sooooo much to learn! but this week, I really felt like "I am  getting there".

xo Alana- Student Nurse

Assumptions and Expectations

 Well, 3 weeks into level 2 and routines are starting to settle in.  Paige has finished her first week in grade 2 and is loving it. She says her teacher is really nice, and she has some familiar faces in her class to catch up with.  For me, classes are familiar so I am not having to adjust to a whole new system (thank goodness) and it's been great to be around all the amazing girls and guys in my program again. Clinical has been going well too.....by well I mean, I do the homework, I show up, I learn alot. 4am does come pretty early every other week though. Med-Surg was seeming pretty straightforward, and pretty slow actually.....until this past Friday. I am going to share what I wrote once I got home after clinical, when everything was still fresh. Of course names have been changed to protect privacy.

 It is great to have an outline of how you want your day to go in regards to time, but flexibility in Nursing is so important. I had a heavy day today. Maybe a combination of being so tired from the early mornings, seeing soooo many things I have never seen before, and developing such a solid connection with my patient and her family….It was more than I was expecting today. I didn’t think for a moment that I would arrive on the ward and my patient would be receiving blood in an attempt to balance out the extreme amount of blood lost during surgery, as well as a potential hemorrhage. I didn’t think that my 83 year old patient who has been battling cancer, and has just come back from seriously invasive surgery, who also happened to be quite unstable, would have the inner strength to find humor in her situation. I never knew that someone might name their stoma, and inquire about “his well-being”, just because it seemed like a good idea. I didn’t expect to see so much blood, to see my patient in so much pain and not have the ability to ease it, to see a daughter cry for her Mothers’ discomfort, or to see such an open soul staring at me, fighting to recover, and trusting that I was doing my best. I didn’t expect to see the 2 or 3 staples removed that exposed my patients inner thigh, and the malfunctioning tube that was placed inside her. I didn’t expect to be so calm. I didn’t expect see “less than ideal” practice by a surgeon when dealing with an open wound and I didn’t expect to feel so upset about it. When I woke up today, I made the assumption that today would be similar to every other day that I have been on this ward. Never assume….I assumed my patient was sick, weak, and frail….turns out, she was a fighter, she was so brave, and strong as an OX.  I assumed today would be like yesterday, but everyone is different, every surgery is different, and I am so greatful that I got caught off guard today because It reminded me of a very important fact. No matter what your specialty is, when you choose Nursing, you choose to help people…not to fix diseases, not to treat injuries, you choose to heal people, individuals, families. 2 people with the same procedure/diagnosis may have extremely different outcomes, so lets not categorize anyone into a “oh I have seen that before”, because you may have a seen a abdominoperineal resection with vulvectomy before, but you have never met Mrs. A. Today, I was expecting to meet Mrs. A, and indeed I did meet her, but when I left today I knew her…..and that’s so much what Nursing is about. I also didn’t expect the gratitude that was bestowed upon me today. So many heartfelt, emotional words, from a Mom and her “baby girl”….I am honored. I am feeling overwhelmed, not with sympathy, but empathy, for both of the women I spent the morning with. I will never ever forget them, their strength, or the kind words they said to me in a time that I assumed would be all about them….Never assume….Today was about me too, I learned so much today about both the art and science of Nursing, and once again, I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be.

Xo Alana-Student Nurse

so far so good..

Well, I have been out of school for almost 11 weeks...holy crap. It's been a good summer so far. I have just finished the one online class that I was taking (thank goodness!!! because it was painful) and now have 3 weeks of NOTHING....that is very strange for me.

I had a great 10 days in Edmonton visiting my family, I got to spend a couple days in Bellingham with my man, have had many awesome moments with Paige, and have been totally lazing around enjoying the slow pace of summer.

There have been a few developments in last little while that have been somewhat exciting for me. I turned 30 this month...and I am actually totally fine with it :) (no seriously, I am) , I have decided that I will take Paige to Roatan with me next June to volunteer in a clinic out there- which I know is going to be quite an experience for both of us! Roatan is a poor island just off of Honduras and there is an amazing clinic out there that functions almost entirely on volunteers, I am officially changing my last name back to Smith which is a semi hassle but not as painful as I expected....I decided to try out BCIT's counselling services to deal with a few issues that have been driving me nuts....and it is awesome. I am so glad that I get to go and that it's free! I think everyone should go to counselling if they can, it's amazing the stuff that I carry around on my little shoulders...

So Level 2 starts in 3 weeks and for those of you that know me, you KNOW how friggen excited I am about that! It's twisted, but I actually really,  REALLY enjoy everything about this process....even the endless hours of homework. Something that I have learnt about myself, I LOVE structure, routine, and being productive. I get satisfaction from accomplishing goals. I love to challenge myself. This next couple weeks, the challenge is going to be doing very very little....might sound awesome to you, but to me, it's almost torture :) wish me luck

I have also decided it is time for my munchkin to learn the value of a dollar, and so we are implementing.....drum roll please.....CHORES! (evil laugh here) Of course she will get an allowance, but no more buying stuff just because we leave the house! I find it fascinating how entitled a tiny 6 year old can be...sheesh. Plus, 90 percent of the disaster in this place is thanks to 'you know who', so it's time she took a little responsibility!

30 is going to be a good year....A very busy one, but it's already looking like it'll  be full of life changing moments....including the dreaded NG tube insertion......*shiver

A.Smith-Student Nurse

The Power of Reflection

As I sit here, bored out of my mind, 8 days into summer break, I am forced to reflect on all I have to be grateful for. I have my health. I have a job. I have an amazing family that supports me. I am in love. I have rich relationships. I have a beautiful, smart, funny daughter, who wants nothing more than to share her experiences with me....I have food in my fridge, I have the freedom to go where ever, do whatever I want. I can speak my mind....I can speak. I have a heart that beats all on it's own....I can breath. I can see the beauty that surrounds me. I have love. I have choices. I have hope.... I trust that that life itself is leading me to precisely where I need to be...even if that means right here, right now....on my couch looking in. I have been so busy with school, and as you know have loved every moment...but I sometimes  forgot to breath. Sometimes, to just calm the mind, re-center....I think sacrificing that special time for myself is what lead to such anxiety. Sure I was going to the gym... once in a while...that was "me time"...pffffttt, not really. I went because I know I HAVE to exercise to be healthy....and any ways, as lovely as it is, the BCIT fitness centre doesn't quite have the zen quality I was missing. Yoga from now on....

I did really well this term. I am not even talking about grades because I have decided the actual percentage marks are fairly irrelevant....yes I said it...coming from the girl once OBSESSED with straight A's...they don't matter. At least not quite as much as experience, the process of learning, and the power of reflection.....sometimes it's better to make a mistake, than to mistakenly think you have nothing to learn....because we are all learning, all the time. I was a great student, I was never late, I never missed a class, and I got decent grades...I forgot to breath I think....It was so much stuff so fast and I wanted to do it right, I forgot to appreciate that I could do it, at all. 

I am blessed, to live in a Country where I am free to choose to go to school for whatever I want, I have access to resources that can help with the financial stress, I have a way to transport myself to and from school everyday, and I have access to facilities where I can practice my newly learned skills. I am blessed. Every choice you make, leads you to the next one.....I am blessed that I have so many choices.

I have decided that just because my body can breath on it's own, while I check out mentally and think about something else, doesn't mean that it should...I think I need to re-learn to be ok with relaxing...just breathing....because when I choose to be quiet inside, everything becomes clearer, and that creates a positive energy in the world, instead of a crazy one...

I have a lot to be thankful for...and I am.. I think I might actually read a book......FOR PLEASURE.......how awesome is that!

xoxo Alana

The Resistance

People have told me before about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.....and I get that, some decisions are so hard. I feel like, if I only had a rock OR even a hard place....I would feel so much better. here we are....17 weeks later....changed....and now they set me free "have a great summer", "enjoy your break", "you have earned this time off".....HELLLLOOO? can you see me? I don't want a break....I don't need time off, because I am just getting going....And yet.....
Anyone who has have ever ridden a BC ferry on a super windy day, knows exactly how I feel right now. I have forced the door open, and am pushing through the resistance of the wind......take a picture, because it's sunny out!, It's so pretty and look how lucky we are to be finished level 1...we made it and all the world is smiling, and the pictures will show the crystal blue waters, and the clear skies....but only those who walk with me in the wind know the resistance I am up against.....I just want to help heal the world and all of a sudden, people notice a shift in me....the energy has changed and now I have to fight...I just want to move forward, put one foot in front of the other.....does it have to be so hard? I'm not that different, but now.... there is no hiding it. Some are proud (love you mommy) but some are filled with anger.....I know that this is there own journey....but I am just trying to move forward.....somehow I HAVE shifted, because I wont pretend anymore that I am not a leader, I wont pretend that I don't mind being pushed around. I have work to do, and I plan to get 'er done. I don't care if it makes you uncomfortable that I have the potential to change the world, and also the desire to do so, and I don't care if it pisses you off that I am going make a difference....because that is what I am here to do. Somewhere over the rainbow a small child has lost their Mommy, and somewhere else, not so far away, a family is sick with infection....they will die, because they cannot afford the health care that they need......and I wait...I wait for the day that they say I can take the test, and when I pass it, I will do everything that I can, for everyone that I can...because that is who I am. 17 weeks later....I am not nervous. I am not anxious. I am not excited...I am waiting. Because 17 weeks later, I am confident, and I know, that this is who I am. Nursing is a part of me, and so I wait. And the whole world holds its breath for the storm to pass, because when when it does, peace will remain. I know that. It's just a little uncomfortable when it feels like the whole world is pushing against you. I will draw strength from those who have walked before me, and I will trudge through the expectations, the judgements, and the whispers of those who think they know about me, who think they know about Nursing....and I will keep my head held high....because I am not a nursing student...I am a Student Nurse, I AM a leader, and I AM going to make a difference, no matter how hard the winds blow. I will stand my ground and after you run out of steam, hope will remain.....and forgiveness....and then level 2. I am exactly where I am meant to be.....bring on the rain

The countdown is on

Week 14 of 17 starts tomorrow and I really don't know where the time went! After 8 or 9 weeks of working, and school, and Momming I had to cut back. I decided to take a leave of absence from work and  that was really the best thing I could have done. I knew enough to know that I was getting burnt out...FAST. What a huge difference it makes to have a few hours on the weekend for homework! My bank account is feeling the pressure but I know I will be fine. I have learned so much in the past 13 weeks that I don't even feel like the same person. We are up to 2 patients in clinical and giving meds. That means SOOO much homework on Monday nights! I love being in the hospital...I mean I love that I am doing something helpful. I have made real connections with real people, I have been able to share smiles, comfort, and knowledge with my patients. I have seen peoples health improve and have even been a part of that process! That is such a great feeling. It's no Grey's Anatomy, but it is rich.....and this is only the beginning. I am excited for every week and I have feeling this final stretch is going to fly by! I was selected to be a CRNBC student rep for my class, which I am very excited about. I look forward to developing my leadership skills while acting as a support to my fellow classmates.

The sun FINALLY came out this weekend and I made the best of it with a trip to the driving range and a couple of workouts in the sun. I feel so much better when the sun shines....perhaps a winter home in California will be in my future :)

My little Kitty won the Easter colouring contest at Save On Foods!! I am so proud of her :) She hasn't seen the prize yet but she was pretty excited to learn that she won for her age group. I still remember when I won the Safeway colouring contest at her age. I was SUPER excited. Ah the innocence.

I feel calm, ready to tackle the last few weeks, and very proud of myself and of Paige (not just for our  amazing art skills either). It is a lot of work for me to be going to school full time, but I know it's work for Paige too. She has been so patient and so supportive, I couldn't ask for a better little lady to be sharing this journey with. I truly am blessed.

Tunnel Vision

I am forcing myself to take 5 minutes to add an entry because the whole reason I started this thing, was so I could document "as I go".....apparently "going" is pretty much all I can handle these days. I made it through week 6 (holy crap) and am on my second cold bug.....and this one is more like an upper resp infection that is also affecting my lungs....awesome. I have gained a few pounds (but am re committing myself to proper nutrition and exercise), made some amazing friends, given up on fantasies about 'pleasure reading' and 'TV nights', increased my caffeine tolerance by 300 percent, discovered my favourite Brand (or 2) of scrubs, questioned my sanity, and have somehow stayed on top of paying the bills, playing with Paige, book fairs, groceries, car maintenance (new 350 dollar air hose, pfffft) and maintaining my relationship with #1BF.......And that's just scratching the surface!
I can now do a full set of vitals, a head to toe assessment, including focused assessments, morning care, mobility/transfers, restraints and more. Med administration starts week 7. I know so much more about stroke, heart failure, pneumonia, inflammation, phenomenology, humanism, empathy and contact precautions....getting to know tumours.. and I have seen, heard,  and smelled ALOT of interesting things in the past 6 weeks!


Paige is doing quite well with her new schedule and we really enjoy our dinner talks about school. She is growing so fast and I seem to love her more everyday. I am so blessed to have such love in my life.


I am starting to get to know myself as a Nurse. I like this part of me. I have such a natural commitment to advocacy, it seems to be at the root of my being. I feel a real sense of responsibility, compassion, and care for my patients and I love to provide care for them....even if they aren't always super thrilled to see me :) I am still a little nervous when I get to the hospital, but I feel such a sense of duty that the nerves get pushed to the background. I feel at home in this role and it just "feels right", I mean it feels hard, and scary, and like so much more than I can handle some days, but in the core of my being it feels like home. That is an overwhelming feeling in itself, finally discovering what I want to be when I grow up. That little truth, that 'knowing' is what keeps me grounded, it is the calm in the centre of my whirlwind of a life. I have 2 midterms tomorrow, clinical on Tuesday including midterm evaluation and a quick patient presentation, clinical and another exam on Wednesday, PBL group thingy and 5 drug cards due on Thursday and sweet, sweet Pathophysiology on Friday.....Oh and I work Thursday night and Saturday night....It's a lot......I try to focus on that little nugget of truth..."I am exactly where I am meant to be". 


Almost....I mean right now 'exactly where I am supposed to be' is studying patho notes, so I will get back to that. I am tired, determined, full of hope,  and focused....20 sleeps 'til spring break.


xoxo
Alana- Student Nurse

Adjusting

Well, I'm done week 1! I am exhausted. The combination of getting up way earlier, not being able to sleep at night, and taking the long way to every class while carrying my 20 pound bag has officially tired me out. Aside from being  almost the most tired I have ever been (close second to the first week with a newborn), I am equally as happy. Even though the busy schedule of the past few days has had me explore every corner of  the beautifully spaced out campus....(which reminds a lot of that movie "the labyrinth") and has added at least 2 hours to my nightly reading, I feel calm. I have taken in so much information over the last 2 days that my brain hurts, and in 3 days I will be in the hospital dealing with patients, but I somehow feel relief. It's like everything I read is relevant, I understand the books, and I feel a bond, not only with my classmates, (who are awesome) but with Nurses in general. I am paying my dues. I am going to be tired for 3 more years. I am ok with that. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, and that somehow gives me strength....having Tim Hortons on campus is also helping :) I have been getting up at 6am and trying to go to bed around 10. This is a pretty big change for me, since my many years working night shifts usually landed me in the sack around 2 am. To me, midnight was going to bed early....hence the no sleep at night the past week. I have learnt that I love mornings though....(already I am learning about myself.) I love that I get to see the sky change from black to light purple on my way to school, I love the quiet crispy air, and I love, LOVE! the snuggles I get when Paige is still groggy after her morning wake up. Early mornings are filled with so much hope as a new day begins to unravel. Its like Nursing school is the morning of the rest of my life..so full of hope and potential. I feel so supported at BCIT. They don't lie when they say that they do whatever they can to help you succeed in this program. Free teeth cleaning, free counselling, did I mention Tim Hortons? Oh, and I have used the weight room twice (ALSO FREE) and it has literally EVERY machine that I love, so I'm happy.

I am still trying to find some flow with homework, but having only attended a couple of classes, there is not a whole lot I can do. I have impressed my self with my organization so far!. I knew going in that every day would have to be visually available at any given time, right down to what I would make for dinner, and that is going great, thanks to my 60 day-colour coded-white board calendar on my wall. I have connected with my level 4 mentor and am excited to meet up with her and soak up all of her wisdom. I no longer worry about "the unknown" because I know exactly whats coming up and I can mentally prepare for it. I can also mentally prepare my picky little eater for what will be hitting the dinner table that night. What a trooper, She has tried 4 new foods in the past 2 weeks and loved them all. We have started a new routine where we each tell each other our 3 favourite things about our day, and then any negative things (thanks mom for this one)....the conversations have been wonderful. I bought some more scrubs today...because  I love scrubs...and I wanted some separate ones for clinical vs school labs.....or I just LOVE scrubs :) anyways I actually do have a little homework to do and since I'm working all weekend, I don't have much time to squish it in, so that's all for now!

Have a great week everyone
xoxo
Alana