The Power of Reflection

As I sit here, bored out of my mind, 8 days into summer break, I am forced to reflect on all I have to be grateful for. I have my health. I have a job. I have an amazing family that supports me. I am in love. I have rich relationships. I have a beautiful, smart, funny daughter, who wants nothing more than to share her experiences with me....I have food in my fridge, I have the freedom to go where ever, do whatever I want. I can speak my mind....I can speak. I have a heart that beats all on it's own....I can breath. I can see the beauty that surrounds me. I have love. I have choices. I have hope.... I trust that that life itself is leading me to precisely where I need to be...even if that means right here, right now....on my couch looking in. I have been so busy with school, and as you know have loved every moment...but I sometimes  forgot to breath. Sometimes, to just calm the mind, re-center....I think sacrificing that special time for myself is what lead to such anxiety. Sure I was going to the gym... once in a while...that was "me time"...pffffttt, not really. I went because I know I HAVE to exercise to be healthy....and any ways, as lovely as it is, the BCIT fitness centre doesn't quite have the zen quality I was missing. Yoga from now on....

I did really well this term. I am not even talking about grades because I have decided the actual percentage marks are fairly irrelevant....yes I said it...coming from the girl once OBSESSED with straight A's...they don't matter. At least not quite as much as experience, the process of learning, and the power of reflection.....sometimes it's better to make a mistake, than to mistakenly think you have nothing to learn....because we are all learning, all the time. I was a great student, I was never late, I never missed a class, and I got decent grades...I forgot to breath I think....It was so much stuff so fast and I wanted to do it right, I forgot to appreciate that I could do it, at all. 

I am blessed, to live in a Country where I am free to choose to go to school for whatever I want, I have access to resources that can help with the financial stress, I have a way to transport myself to and from school everyday, and I have access to facilities where I can practice my newly learned skills. I am blessed. Every choice you make, leads you to the next one.....I am blessed that I have so many choices.

I have decided that just because my body can breath on it's own, while I check out mentally and think about something else, doesn't mean that it should...I think I need to re-learn to be ok with relaxing...just breathing....because when I choose to be quiet inside, everything becomes clearer, and that creates a positive energy in the world, instead of a crazy one...

I have a lot to be thankful for...and I am.. I think I might actually read a book......FOR PLEASURE.......how awesome is that!

xoxo Alana

The Resistance

People have told me before about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.....and I get that, some decisions are so hard. I feel like, if I only had a rock OR even a hard place....I would feel so much better. here we are....17 weeks later....changed....and now they set me free "have a great summer", "enjoy your break", "you have earned this time off".....HELLLLOOO? can you see me? I don't want a break....I don't need time off, because I am just getting going....And yet.....
Anyone who has have ever ridden a BC ferry on a super windy day, knows exactly how I feel right now. I have forced the door open, and am pushing through the resistance of the wind......take a picture, because it's sunny out!, It's so pretty and look how lucky we are to be finished level 1...we made it and all the world is smiling, and the pictures will show the crystal blue waters, and the clear skies....but only those who walk with me in the wind know the resistance I am up against.....I just want to help heal the world and all of a sudden, people notice a shift in me....the energy has changed and now I have to fight...I just want to move forward, put one foot in front of the other.....does it have to be so hard? I'm not that different, but now.... there is no hiding it. Some are proud (love you mommy) but some are filled with anger.....I know that this is there own journey....but I am just trying to move forward.....somehow I HAVE shifted, because I wont pretend anymore that I am not a leader, I wont pretend that I don't mind being pushed around. I have work to do, and I plan to get 'er done. I don't care if it makes you uncomfortable that I have the potential to change the world, and also the desire to do so, and I don't care if it pisses you off that I am going make a difference....because that is what I am here to do. Somewhere over the rainbow a small child has lost their Mommy, and somewhere else, not so far away, a family is sick with infection....they will die, because they cannot afford the health care that they need......and I wait...I wait for the day that they say I can take the test, and when I pass it, I will do everything that I can, for everyone that I can...because that is who I am. 17 weeks later....I am not nervous. I am not anxious. I am not excited...I am waiting. Because 17 weeks later, I am confident, and I know, that this is who I am. Nursing is a part of me, and so I wait. And the whole world holds its breath for the storm to pass, because when when it does, peace will remain. I know that. It's just a little uncomfortable when it feels like the whole world is pushing against you. I will draw strength from those who have walked before me, and I will trudge through the expectations, the judgements, and the whispers of those who think they know about me, who think they know about Nursing....and I will keep my head held high....because I am not a nursing student...I am a Student Nurse, I AM a leader, and I AM going to make a difference, no matter how hard the winds blow. I will stand my ground and after you run out of steam, hope will remain.....and forgiveness....and then level 2. I am exactly where I am meant to be.....bring on the rain