The Butterfly Effect

           I have sooo much to tell you about my trip and my experiences in Roatan! I have so much to share about the beauty, the culture, the experience of the clinic, the smells, the sights, the sounds, the feelings, the people….the amazing people….but my trip took an unexpected turn…..one that I really feel like I need to put on the page in order to continue to work through…. Some of you may have seen the clinic blog with a shortened version of this story, and many of you (thanks to facebook and the wonders of technology) know that I was in accident where I was badly burned,  but  I feel like I need to put the story here…. I treat this blog like a journal, so this version might be a bit different than those you have read ….

My clinic stories will come soon, I promise!

On June 24, at about 740 pm, I was watching the Boston game at a local restaurant in the West End of Roatan, when my volunteer nursing mission took on a new shape…..my priorities changed….  drastically, from helping to heal the people of the community…..to surviving what was the most horribly scary, and painful experience of my life….

I had just come to the West End from Sandy Bay about an hour and half prior, to have a swim and cool off. I had spent the day doing eye exams for kids in the community, and even made the Roatan news in a little mini interview! I had some delicious fried chicken for lunch in Coxen Hole, and enjoyed the company of fellow volunteers. It was an awesome day! But it was long. I was tired and hot. I debated just swimming off Peggy’s dock, like I had done a zillion times before, but decided that I was hungry too, and there were still so many places I wanted to eat at before my last week was over. I also needed to have some time to just be on my own. My trip was winding down and I needed some me time to take in the island. I went to the beach at Sundowners, and had a very refreshing swim. It even rained a little bit, which was extra refreshing. I decided I better venture down the street and find a snack…… I changed out of my wet bikini top, into my beach dress, re applied my bugspray, and headed off. I ran into my pal Karly and her man , who were in Roatan for a few days visiting. She was enjoying an ice cream on her way back to their hostel…..I realized that I had been on the island for a month…and still had not tried the ice cream from that little place on the corner… I made a mental note to do that after dinner….

the beach at Sundowners

I passed an agitated tourist and overheard her conversation with some locals…..she was complaining that there was no pain medication on the whole island. She had just had surgery, 27 stitches, and no meds…. I wouldn’t usually intrude, but I hate to see people in pain….plus I didn’t believe her… “Have you gone to Miss Peggy’s?, I am sure we have something there”. “Yes”, she replied…”nothing stronger than Tylenol 3”….. that can’t be right, I thought, but I was hungry and not interested in debating the issue….I wished her well and continued on my way….. By this time I already decided that if the little BBQ place that Lisa and I ate at on her last Sunday, was open, I was going there. The wings were so good, and I wanted to see what else they had to offer. I was so happy to see the BBQ smoking, and to see a few people sitting at tables. I went in and noticed there were female bartenders working. Since I was on my own, I didn’t want to take up a whole table…. So I pulled up a seat at the bar, close to the middle so I could still feel like part of the action…..and asked for a menu.  Turns out my favorite wings were on  special! I ordered and settled in.

            What followed for the next hour or so was nothing short of a nice, relaxing time. I made friends with one of the bartenders who was also a single Mom going through school, I had some of the best wings of my life and watched a little hockey. I got a call from Cassidy that everyone was at the beach house for a potluck. I hung up and decided it was getting to be time to head back. I needed a shower anyways. The place had filled up, and all the staff were working hard to keep the customers happy. Being in the service industry myself, I know how annoying it can be when people are demanding things from you, while you are clearly in the middle of something else, so I was waiting for my window to ask for my bill.

            Another bartender, who will remain nameless here, was making a drink for another table. I had watched him make one when I was first arrived and was curious about it….it looked crazy. He called it the Blowtorch. It had 2 different types of rum, some other stuff, and was set on fire. As he was explaining it to me, he walked around to the front of the bar…. About 4-5 feet away from me… some other patrons still separated him and I, and the drink that changed my life.  He decided that the fire part of this drink, wasn’t impressive enough, and asked one of the gals to add some 151……I remember thinking “bad idea to pour alcohol on an open flame”…. And like a scene from a horror movie, the 151 hit the flame, the flame jumped. It came at me like a wild animal attacks it’s prey. 

I was engulfed by the hot angry fire and there was no turning back. My whole dress went up in flames as the blaze surrounded my upper body and went up over my head. I was being  consumed and I had no where to go…..Someone screamed…. It might have been me, but I don’t remember… I tried with all of my might to back out of the situation, pushing the flames down with my forearms. It was burning me and refused to let up. I remember my face hitting the ground and someone on top of me, I remember realizing the fire had stopped,  I heard him say “ we have to go to the pool, ok?” I found the strength to stand up….. I saw a full bar of people staring at me....shocked…and it hit me,  I was just set on fire. I was angry, scared, and in the worst pain of my life.  I started to cry…. I felt so sorry for myself for about 3 seconds and then a sense of peace came over me. I kept hearing in my head “something good will come from this, everything happens for a reason, something good will come” .  I jumped into the water and submerged myself up to my lips......no relief....As the skin fell away from my body, I remained calm enough to instruct this bartender on how to find my phone, to find Peggy’s number (which just happened to be saved in there from the last person who used that island phone), I told him to call Peggy and tell her we need her to go to the clinic. I told him to call Cassidy, to call Susan, and to get me to the clinic.  When I arrived, about 10, hot, excruciating minutes later, Cassidy met me outside and brought me into the very place  where I had spent the last 3 weeks treating patients. Peggy was there, calm and cool as a cucumber. I was handed a small paper cup with 2 Tylenol 3’s...."what is this?" I thought it was a joke….I suddenly remembered that woman in the street……the horrifying realization hit me…. She was telling the truth….there is nothing on this island for pain…….Peggy’s voice echoed in my head “It’s all we have”…..

My new butterfly

I reluctantly accepted the reality (because I clearly had no choice) that if I was going to get through this, I needed to focus…. I needed to NOT feel sorry for myself, I needed to NOT worry about the final outcome, or question “why me”, I had to gather every ounce of strength and faith that I had, and I needed to get myself through this night. I borrowed some strength that night. There were people in that room, supporting me, caring for me, helping me cope. My fearless instructor, Susan, who used many of the skills that she had spent the previous semester teaching me, to try and keep me in an ok place mentally, my friend, and SN superstar Cassidy, the poor guilt ridden guy who not only set me ablaze, but who also happened to save my life.... the always strong and clear headed Miss Peggy, and Dr. Raymond…..the most genuine, honest, skilled, and caring Doc that I have ever met. Manu…..who I had spent not only that day, but also a good portion of the last 3 weeks with,  watched from a distance…..he didn’t say much, but I knew he was there…..his presence speaks volumes. Dr Eric, who I was just having the pleasure of getting to know was there for a bit as well…. I borrowed from each of them…. I borrowed strength, I borrowed bravery, and I borrowed peace. I borrowed from my family too.  Although I didn’t sleep that night, I survived. My heart continued to beat on its own, my lungs effortlessly filled with air, providing my body with the necessities of life…. I was grateful for each and every breath. I didn’t understand how it was possible for my bottom lip to be burnt, my right nostril to be burnt, but my lungs to be completely unaffected….  How did fire shot up over my head, but leave my face and hair almost entirely unaffected……I was filled with gratitude and awe……I thought about my Mom and how I didn’t want to tell her because I knew she would be sad and scared. I thought about Paige, and tried to find the right words to explain to my little 7 year old, the nightmare that I had just experienced. I thought about that bartender….and how every moment in my day…and likely my life, had let me to that barstool at that exact moment. I thought about Alex,  about how we were supposed to go snorkeling with little Ashley….I thought about everyone who had supported my year long efforts to get to this place, so that I could help this community. I thought about how I was now getting a very different perspective on the clinic and the irony made me smile.

         I was in so much pain, and each day, people came to see me, they offered prayers and love, and anything else they had. Dr. Angela stood up for me, and my needs with the insurance company, and I am so thankful she arrived the same night of the accident. It was becoming clear that there way too many “coincidences” which I don’t believe in anyways, for this to be some random freak accident…. It was supposed to be me in that bar stool, I remembered that I am always exactly where I am meant to be for my journey, and I began to dig deeper….

            What is the point? What is really going on here? What is the message?  It just wasn’t possible  that  something bigger  wasn’t in the works……..The project that evolved  can be found at the bottom of this page. I don't want to imagine what would have happened if that clinic wasn’t there, or if I was just a tourist and didn’t even know of the clinic….. they need help to sustain the level of care that they provide.

            They need a trauma center….or a trauma….area, that is capable of dealing with this type and any other type of emergency situation…. This is going to take a lot of time….alot more money, and a lot of  teamwork, but I know that those things…..much like the events that led to this whole ordeal… will line up exactly when they are meant to.

            When I arrived in Roatan on May 25 2013, I was full of hope, excitement, and gratitude. I felt a strong connection to the clinic long before I arrived and every day I was thankful to be a part of it. I made lifelong friends at that clinic and soaked in every second. When I was rushed to the airport and flown out  4 days early, I was filled with those same feelings….. hope, peace, gratitude, and excitement for what is possible.......

 The doctors at home were impressed with the work of my Honduran care team. They were very impressed with the speed of my healing…..which is thanks, in part to you….I am humbled by the amount of love that was sent my way. Thank you. It’s proof enough for me, the power of thought and intention. Everyday I get better but I will never ever forget.

http://www.stayclassy.org/kaizen

              The word Kaizen means “small continuous improvement” which I think is very fitting…thank you for your support- please share this link with all of your friends!

           

“Fire symbolizes renewal, creation, and destruction through transformation.  A passionate polarity that offers emotional power and drives heartfelt endeavors”

- Kelly Oswald- Buddha Nature- awaken to your life-

XOXO- Alana-Student Nurse

When one door closes…..leave the Country!

It’s been a long time coming, but in 3 days I will be heading off to Central America, on my own, to hopefully help a little piece of humanity. I am excited, and also nervous at the possibilities.  This is about so much more than my international experience in Nursing. There are so many things to consider in regards to cultural competence, critical social theory, and ethics in a third world medical environment. It’s not just about how this experience is going to mold and shape me, but  also how will my presence affect them…..what impact will my being there have on their lives? We will see, I only pray that it is positive. 5 weeks is a very long time to be away from my little girl and my puppy.  Just today Paige has started to show some concern that I am leaving. Her biggest fear is that I will get bit by a shark or attacked by a giant spider…..

she is so cute. At least we will have facetime.

To be honest, though, I need to get  the hell out of here......

            When my boyfriend and partner of 4 years decided it was time to pull the plug on our seemingly happy relationship, it sort of felt like my world was collapsing all around me. Especially since it was 2 days before my most stressful final exam. Thank heaven for my amazing Mother who instantly told me to book a flight  and come home for a few days….the huge fondue meal and late night chats definitely helped the heartache (Thanks Mommy xxx).

So, he has decided that we want different things…..translation- he will never be willing to commit in the way I want him to….Its been 3 weeks. I am starting to heal. I have realized that I really was compromising too much of myself in that relationship anyways. I gave up on fairy tale romance (wtf!), I gave up on traditional values that I had, I gave up, and gave in a lot more than I should have. He said he needed to move slow, but what he meant was that he’d rather not move at all, certainly not in with us….even after 4 years. Fine. There are certain things that I do want to have in my relationships, and there are some things that I now require, …… and if I can find a person who shares some of the same values and some of the same goals, well that’s a start. I see now just how important it is to want the same things. I love kissing, and I love romance, and I need to feel appreciated, desired, and cared for. I like to stay up late and sleep in late (whenever I can) and I am fascinated by the human capacity for emotion. I like to talk philosophy, and write poetry, and watch the sunset. I feel life deeply, and not just my own experiences either. I feel for him too. I know he never wanted to hurt us. He is one of the best people I know, we just want different things…..time to accept that fact I guess, and stop giving myself away, in hopes that one day he might compromise back…

For now, I need figure out who I am without him, figure out how to be alone. Because I don’t think that I have ever REALLY been alone…. I am ok with that, and I know for sure that I won’t compromise on what’s important to me, ever again.  Where there is life, there is love, and there is magic in every experience. I am not mad at him anymore, just sad that I have also lost a best friend. That part sucks. I learned a lot from him, about myself, and for that I am thankful. It’s disappointing for Paige too….that pisses me off. I have to trust that all change is positive, because we can only keep going forward….so here I go…..

             Aside from 3 new bikinis, snorkel gear, and an open mind, I am bringing my own set of beliefs with me to Roatan, my own life experience, my own ideas of what nursing is……and I am trying really hard to leave the assumptions at the door. I realize that no amount of research is going to prepare me for what I am about to experience, and that if I blink, I might miss opportunities for growth. With this trip, also comes a big project that may help to shape things for future BCIT students, and one that will certainly force me to be 100 percent honest with myself about what I actually experience, on a very personal level. I promise to share that finished product with you all when it’s done!

            I am looking forward to the beach, the clinic, the other volunteers, banana doughnuts, and personal (as well as professional) growth......

A few cocktails with umbrellas in them is most likely on the agenda too. See you in July Canada!

xoxo Alana- Student Nurse

Awareness....

Thoughts on Awareness…

 

I often find myself writing “RN aware”, “Dr. aware"…at the same time that I am reminded what awareness  really means… I don’t believe that being told factual information equates awareness, and I don’t believe that awareness or being aware is as simple as being told something. Knowing is very different than awareness, as is understanding.

Self awareness

            This is something that I always think I know 100 percent. I know me, if nothing else in the world exists, I know that I see, I feel, I hear, I taste, I smell, and I do.  I am learning that even 100 percent certainty can change….and this frustrates me! To accept that I fully admitted to being completely 100 percent certain that I wanted to be a NICU nurse and to now experience a slight shift in  my desires….is fascinating. Only change is certain in this life. I am beginning to admit to MYSELF that…..well…there is A LOT that I want to do. I do want to be a NICU nurse, but I want to be so much more…. I want travel!, I am passionate about humanity…I love babies, but I am passionate about  all people. Women, and family, and equality. health promotion, illness prevention, health “awareness” for everyone…. Global health and equality is a very profound part of my nature. I make mistakes….I am learning….and not just how to be a Nurse, but how to be a 30 year old single working parent, in full time school, dealing with health issues……I mean I am living my life, inside these circumstances, consciously aware of how I am limited, as well as elevated, due to those “facts”. I am aware that I have a lot of growing to do as a Nurse, but I know that it is more of a growing “into” as opposed to a becoming…I am self aware enough to know that nursing is not a choice for me, it’s what I am meant to do……If I could only be aware of where I leave the MAR….we’d be on a roll!

Awareness of others and their awareness of me...reflection

                                            

 I see an image when I look the mirror and I interpret it……based on my whole life, everything that I have ever been told, how I have felt, what I value, what I fear, what I hope and wish for, what I expect and what I feel I am lacking. How could I imagine for one second that everyone who looks at me doesn’t also form an opinion based on all of those things in their life? Maybe I remind them of someone, maybe someone that they miss, or love, or despise….but being aware of them, and trying to comprehend how I am impacting others, has led me to forget how my awareness of their awareness might be changing how I come across…complicated? YES. So back to basics this week. I took the time to evaluate what I was bringing into the room….into the relationship…what was my purpose? And I learned that a Nurses purpose is undefined….that’s the difference between a Dr. and a nurse….. a Dr is there to give answers, to diagnose, to treat…..a nurse is there to ask all the questions that you are too afraid to ask, and all the questions that you think are not important. A nurse is there to observe…..to notice slight changes, in your mood, your attitude, your skin colour. A nurse is there to be aware…and to gain that awareness through experience not just through someone elses’s words in a chart.

Global awareness and beyond

We only know what we experience. We often believe what we are told. And we tell others what we believe to be true. There is so much on the news about Boston and these 2 brothers and the impact that they have created. I found myself felling pretty irritated at the fact that they are getting all this attention…..The world is becoming very aware of what they “did”, but are failing to see that many MANY people died that day, in other parts of the world….in much more excruciating ways, for no reason. North America was not blessed to be populated by a better type of human beings who deserve more attention….there are woman in India with dreams too, there are kids in Korea who just want to be kids…..but the media focuses on this one instance and all the world watches and OOOOOHS and AWWWWs….people are dying needlessly all over the place, and as human beings we ought to look at compassion and awareness as opposed to pity and blame. It is imperative that we develop self awareness as well as global awareness if we are ever going begin to heal the hurt that exists I this world

            This week the awareness started with myself. How can I be more aware? What does that even mean? What changes when I choose to become fully aware of myself? My patients?  My neighbors? My family? The world? What do I have to accept to allow true awareness into my life and what will that change in me as a nurse?

In need of a break

I am very aware that I need a real break. More from school than from nursing….I am tired and I can not wait for the end of this level. Level 3 was great, for sure! Kids, babies, mommies, and mental health…all stuff I truly love…..immunology = not love….and I truly hated jumping from one ward to the next and then the next and being expected to be proficient at ANYTHING in 4 weeks…..we were the perpetual new kids, no time to really get comfortable….not an easy feeling for me. I learned a huge amount, but I didn’t get a chance to fully experience everything that I learned about. My next 4 week rotation is going to be in Central America, away from pbl papers that are never ever perfect, and far FAR away from immunology lectures that I just can not grasp, no matter how much I want to understand. This is the half way mark……must…..keep…..gooiiinn…..Ah forget it, I’m going to bed. Tonight I pray to the immunology gods that somewhere in this brain of mine….enough has been retained to get me through the final exam.

 xoxo

Alana- Student Nurse

Gaining Momentum

4 weeks into level 3 and I'm done paediatrics. Unreal. Unfair and unreal.  I soaked up every single minute on that little ward in RCH! My clinical group is amazing and as usual, routines are setting in.... a little slower this term for some reason, but I will get there. A couple of weeks ago I got to spend some time in the NICU....

I didn’t expect it to be so bright. I didn’t expect it to be so loud. I didn’t expect it to be so busy.  I didn’t expect nursery music, and a calm soothing environment or anything., but I guess I didn’t know what to expect. It dawned on me that this is a busy ICU...for tiny people. I felt for a moment what those tiny babies must feel as they are introduced to the world…. A little bit of shock, uncertainty, and completely over stimulated. I settled in quickly though, as I eagerly walked around the different pods, looking at each tiny, complete, person. Overcome by a feeling of belonging, I began to feel hope. I had hope and love for every little baby in there. They all had 10 fingers, 10 toes, and beating hearts. They all had someone who loved them, someone who wanted more than anything, for them to grow, to get through another day. I knew as well, that if even one of them didn’t have that “someone”, I could give freely, my time, my love, my care, to help them through that day. I was born to do this, and I don't think I will ever be bored in this specialty. 

 In January, I got spend 5 days in Halifax with Student Nurses from all over Canada. First of all the East Coast is awesome! and I plan to return as soon I am able, and second of all, the conference was amazing! I attended workshops on suicide prevention, New Grad transition into the workplace, Leadership, and a thing called "open spaces"...a new way to talk about what matters. I am inspired and excited to move forward with my education, as well as my career.....Immunology is less inspiring...maybe it's just me, but I am not making the connection between the lectures and Nursing, so I tend to zone out......which is not cool when I have a big assignment due on Friday. Oh, also due this Friday is my family assignment and more pharm posts....plus I am having my OB orientation this week.

There is soooo much happening in my world right now. I'm bringing home my new baby (puppy) on Friday! ....yes I know, I'm nuts....but I can't wait any longer. I am initiating  and advocating for CNSA membership for BCIT BSN students, I am taking my first ever discover scuba lesson this week, and am still working 2 shifts a week. I have also decided that I want to conduct a  research study related to MS and am starting to consider my options for resources....this one might have to wait a bit, but I will continue to plug away at it.

My little monkey is doing so well with our busy schedule. She is doing great in school, and will be presenting a science experiment for her class next week. It's like PBL for 7 year olds! She loves making her own money....even if she has to work for it! and to my utter amazement,  she has actually started eating salad! Her art skills continue to impress me, along with her creative writing....a chip off the ol' block I'd say.
Of course she is thrilled to be getting her first puppy, and I know she will love the heck out of our little Zoey. 

I am looking forward to the next 12 weeks and have started to collect donations for my volunteer trip to Honduras.

Tomorrow I start OB! so I'd better get some shut eye!

xoxo
Alana- Student Nurse