When one door closes…..leave the Country!

It’s been a long time coming, but in 3 days I will be heading off to Central America, on my own, to hopefully help a little piece of humanity. I am excited, and also nervous at the possibilities.  This is about so much more than my international experience in Nursing. There are so many things to consider in regards to cultural competence, critical social theory, and ethics in a third world medical environment. It’s not just about how this experience is going to mold and shape me, but  also how will my presence affect them…..what impact will my being there have on their lives? We will see, I only pray that it is positive. 5 weeks is a very long time to be away from my little girl and my puppy.  Just today Paige has started to show some concern that I am leaving. Her biggest fear is that I will get bit by a shark or attacked by a giant spider…..

she is so cute. At least we will have facetime.

To be honest, though, I need to get  the hell out of here......

            When my boyfriend and partner of 4 years decided it was time to pull the plug on our seemingly happy relationship, it sort of felt like my world was collapsing all around me. Especially since it was 2 days before my most stressful final exam. Thank heaven for my amazing Mother who instantly told me to book a flight  and come home for a few days….the huge fondue meal and late night chats definitely helped the heartache (Thanks Mommy xxx).

So, he has decided that we want different things…..translation- he will never be willing to commit in the way I want him to….Its been 3 weeks. I am starting to heal. I have realized that I really was compromising too much of myself in that relationship anyways. I gave up on fairy tale romance (wtf!), I gave up on traditional values that I had, I gave up, and gave in a lot more than I should have. He said he needed to move slow, but what he meant was that he’d rather not move at all, certainly not in with us….even after 4 years. Fine. There are certain things that I do want to have in my relationships, and there are some things that I now require, …… and if I can find a person who shares some of the same values and some of the same goals, well that’s a start. I see now just how important it is to want the same things. I love kissing, and I love romance, and I need to feel appreciated, desired, and cared for. I like to stay up late and sleep in late (whenever I can) and I am fascinated by the human capacity for emotion. I like to talk philosophy, and write poetry, and watch the sunset. I feel life deeply, and not just my own experiences either. I feel for him too. I know he never wanted to hurt us. He is one of the best people I know, we just want different things…..time to accept that fact I guess, and stop giving myself away, in hopes that one day he might compromise back…

For now, I need figure out who I am without him, figure out how to be alone. Because I don’t think that I have ever REALLY been alone…. I am ok with that, and I know for sure that I won’t compromise on what’s important to me, ever again.  Where there is life, there is love, and there is magic in every experience. I am not mad at him anymore, just sad that I have also lost a best friend. That part sucks. I learned a lot from him, about myself, and for that I am thankful. It’s disappointing for Paige too….that pisses me off. I have to trust that all change is positive, because we can only keep going forward….so here I go…..

             Aside from 3 new bikinis, snorkel gear, and an open mind, I am bringing my own set of beliefs with me to Roatan, my own life experience, my own ideas of what nursing is……and I am trying really hard to leave the assumptions at the door. I realize that no amount of research is going to prepare me for what I am about to experience, and that if I blink, I might miss opportunities for growth. With this trip, also comes a big project that may help to shape things for future BCIT students, and one that will certainly force me to be 100 percent honest with myself about what I actually experience, on a very personal level. I promise to share that finished product with you all when it’s done!

            I am looking forward to the beach, the clinic, the other volunteers, banana doughnuts, and personal (as well as professional) growth......

A few cocktails with umbrellas in them is most likely on the agenda too. See you in July Canada!

xoxo Alana- Student Nurse

Awareness....

Thoughts on Awareness…

 

I often find myself writing “RN aware”, “Dr. aware"…at the same time that I am reminded what awareness  really means… I don’t believe that being told factual information equates awareness, and I don’t believe that awareness or being aware is as simple as being told something. Knowing is very different than awareness, as is understanding.

Self awareness

            This is something that I always think I know 100 percent. I know me, if nothing else in the world exists, I know that I see, I feel, I hear, I taste, I smell, and I do.  I am learning that even 100 percent certainty can change….and this frustrates me! To accept that I fully admitted to being completely 100 percent certain that I wanted to be a NICU nurse and to now experience a slight shift in  my desires….is fascinating. Only change is certain in this life. I am beginning to admit to MYSELF that…..well…there is A LOT that I want to do. I do want to be a NICU nurse, but I want to be so much more…. I want travel!, I am passionate about humanity…I love babies, but I am passionate about  all people. Women, and family, and equality. health promotion, illness prevention, health “awareness” for everyone…. Global health and equality is a very profound part of my nature. I make mistakes….I am learning….and not just how to be a Nurse, but how to be a 30 year old single working parent, in full time school, dealing with health issues……I mean I am living my life, inside these circumstances, consciously aware of how I am limited, as well as elevated, due to those “facts”. I am aware that I have a lot of growing to do as a Nurse, but I know that it is more of a growing “into” as opposed to a becoming…I am self aware enough to know that nursing is not a choice for me, it’s what I am meant to do……If I could only be aware of where I leave the MAR….we’d be on a roll!

Awareness of others and their awareness of me...reflection

                                            

 I see an image when I look the mirror and I interpret it……based on my whole life, everything that I have ever been told, how I have felt, what I value, what I fear, what I hope and wish for, what I expect and what I feel I am lacking. How could I imagine for one second that everyone who looks at me doesn’t also form an opinion based on all of those things in their life? Maybe I remind them of someone, maybe someone that they miss, or love, or despise….but being aware of them, and trying to comprehend how I am impacting others, has led me to forget how my awareness of their awareness might be changing how I come across…complicated? YES. So back to basics this week. I took the time to evaluate what I was bringing into the room….into the relationship…what was my purpose? And I learned that a Nurses purpose is undefined….that’s the difference between a Dr. and a nurse….. a Dr is there to give answers, to diagnose, to treat…..a nurse is there to ask all the questions that you are too afraid to ask, and all the questions that you think are not important. A nurse is there to observe…..to notice slight changes, in your mood, your attitude, your skin colour. A nurse is there to be aware…and to gain that awareness through experience not just through someone elses’s words in a chart.

Global awareness and beyond

We only know what we experience. We often believe what we are told. And we tell others what we believe to be true. There is so much on the news about Boston and these 2 brothers and the impact that they have created. I found myself felling pretty irritated at the fact that they are getting all this attention…..The world is becoming very aware of what they “did”, but are failing to see that many MANY people died that day, in other parts of the world….in much more excruciating ways, for no reason. North America was not blessed to be populated by a better type of human beings who deserve more attention….there are woman in India with dreams too, there are kids in Korea who just want to be kids…..but the media focuses on this one instance and all the world watches and OOOOOHS and AWWWWs….people are dying needlessly all over the place, and as human beings we ought to look at compassion and awareness as opposed to pity and blame. It is imperative that we develop self awareness as well as global awareness if we are ever going begin to heal the hurt that exists I this world

            This week the awareness started with myself. How can I be more aware? What does that even mean? What changes when I choose to become fully aware of myself? My patients?  My neighbors? My family? The world? What do I have to accept to allow true awareness into my life and what will that change in me as a nurse?

In need of a break

I am very aware that I need a real break. More from school than from nursing….I am tired and I can not wait for the end of this level. Level 3 was great, for sure! Kids, babies, mommies, and mental health…all stuff I truly love…..immunology = not love….and I truly hated jumping from one ward to the next and then the next and being expected to be proficient at ANYTHING in 4 weeks…..we were the perpetual new kids, no time to really get comfortable….not an easy feeling for me. I learned a huge amount, but I didn’t get a chance to fully experience everything that I learned about. My next 4 week rotation is going to be in Central America, away from pbl papers that are never ever perfect, and far FAR away from immunology lectures that I just can not grasp, no matter how much I want to understand. This is the half way mark……must…..keep…..gooiiinn…..Ah forget it, I’m going to bed. Tonight I pray to the immunology gods that somewhere in this brain of mine….enough has been retained to get me through the final exam.

 xoxo

Alana- Student Nurse

Gaining Momentum

4 weeks into level 3 and I'm done paediatrics. Unreal. Unfair and unreal.  I soaked up every single minute on that little ward in RCH! My clinical group is amazing and as usual, routines are setting in.... a little slower this term for some reason, but I will get there. A couple of weeks ago I got to spend some time in the NICU....

I didn’t expect it to be so bright. I didn’t expect it to be so loud. I didn’t expect it to be so busy.  I didn’t expect nursery music, and a calm soothing environment or anything., but I guess I didn’t know what to expect. It dawned on me that this is a busy ICU...for tiny people. I felt for a moment what those tiny babies must feel as they are introduced to the world…. A little bit of shock, uncertainty, and completely over stimulated. I settled in quickly though, as I eagerly walked around the different pods, looking at each tiny, complete, person. Overcome by a feeling of belonging, I began to feel hope. I had hope and love for every little baby in there. They all had 10 fingers, 10 toes, and beating hearts. They all had someone who loved them, someone who wanted more than anything, for them to grow, to get through another day. I knew as well, that if even one of them didn’t have that “someone”, I could give freely, my time, my love, my care, to help them through that day. I was born to do this, and I don't think I will ever be bored in this specialty. 

 In January, I got spend 5 days in Halifax with Student Nurses from all over Canada. First of all the East Coast is awesome! and I plan to return as soon I am able, and second of all, the conference was amazing! I attended workshops on suicide prevention, New Grad transition into the workplace, Leadership, and a thing called "open spaces"...a new way to talk about what matters. I am inspired and excited to move forward with my education, as well as my career.....Immunology is less inspiring...maybe it's just me, but I am not making the connection between the lectures and Nursing, so I tend to zone out......which is not cool when I have a big assignment due on Friday. Oh, also due this Friday is my family assignment and more pharm posts....plus I am having my OB orientation this week.

There is soooo much happening in my world right now. I'm bringing home my new baby (puppy) on Friday! ....yes I know, I'm nuts....but I can't wait any longer. I am initiating  and advocating for CNSA membership for BCIT BSN students, I am taking my first ever discover scuba lesson this week, and am still working 2 shifts a week. I have also decided that I want to conduct a  research study related to MS and am starting to consider my options for resources....this one might have to wait a bit, but I will continue to plug away at it.

My little monkey is doing so well with our busy schedule. She is doing great in school, and will be presenting a science experiment for her class next week. It's like PBL for 7 year olds! She loves making her own money....even if she has to work for it! and to my utter amazement,  she has actually started eating salad! Her art skills continue to impress me, along with her creative writing....a chip off the ol' block I'd say.
Of course she is thrilled to be getting her first puppy, and I know she will love the heck out of our little Zoey. 

I am looking forward to the next 12 weeks and have started to collect donations for my volunteer trip to Honduras.

Tomorrow I start OB! so I'd better get some shut eye!

xoxo
Alana- Student Nurse

level 2 and stuff

Level 2 done!!! Almost….just 3 exams, 1 clinical shift, 1 more exceptionally fun Wednesday-ugh- and a total of 1 week before I am lounging by the pool in Arizona

This term has gone by soooooo fast. I have learned so much as far as skills and med surg goes…..dressing changes, IV meds + maintenece, injections, ostomy care, post op assessments, and I have built on my critical thinking skills! I am so excited for level 3 and all the new experiences it will bring….

I have learned that I hate writing….not this kind of writing, because clearly I love this….but APA, and research articles, and emotionless, subjective data…blab la bla….not my forte’. I have also learned AGAIN to trust the world (see below), and am reminded why I am here.

Paige is getting bigger by the second. She is oh so sensitive (thanks to you know who), and passionate, and strong willed. She is very bright and she feels life at 150%....We are working on how to respond to those big feelings, and as we were discussing it, I couldn’t help but think….she is 7! I know grown-ups that don’t handle their emotions effectively…it’s hard! She is trying though, and I have been trying to spend extra quality time with her too.

Even with a week left in school, my mind is in Roatan. What a tough choice I have to make….and I know you all have your opinions, but in the end, it’s only me who can decide if I bring Paige with me….I want to be at the clinic helping now…. 5 more months seems so far away. I have started collecting donations to take with me, and if anyone wants to help with supplies, I can forward you a list of meds/supplies needs. And thanks again to everyone who came to support my fundraiser. I am so humbled by the generosity.

My Christmas tree is glowing and the fire is plugged in J I better focus on microbiology for a while, or I will regret it in the morning.

My Christmas Wish

Dear humankind:

I want a world where the air I breathe doesn’t give me lung cancer, where the food I eat is not made of chemicals, where people on the other side of the planet… eat just as freely as I do. I want a world where hate, crime, revenge, torture, and greed have no place. I want a world that revolves on love, and community, and health, not money and control….I want a world of peace, a world of higher understanding. I want a more evolved population to have more power, and not because they stole it from the powerless, but because, through truth, and faith, and love, and hope…they accepted the power of one-ness. …. I want those destroying our planet and taking lives at will to hear the message- I am not separate from you, and neither is anyone…so stop the hate, stop hating and try forgiving. Start with yourself…..I want peace, a little peace…please…..And  just so you understand, I don’t just ask this of you, but I too must live the reality that I want to create, so I give freely, my time, my love, my money, my truth and ask nothing from the world in return, because you see my simple act of giving these things is a statement that I indeed have enough….and I do, always ….all ways I have enough. 

In the past 60 days I have received many financial blessings. Just before that, I had nothing….well it felt like nothing, the bank account was looking a little bleak… but instead of complaining, cursing the world, and hanging on to my last pennies….I gave them away. I gave it all away and said “it’s ok, I have enough, in fact I have more than enough” and so I do. These gifts from the universe….I will also give away…..I will go to a place filled with people who have way less than me and I will give  them whatever I can...my time, compassion, hope, love…for free…. because I have enough…..because you see, we all have enough. That is the big secret…..There is enough to go around , if you believed that…..really believed that, you would be free. Free from worry and free from hate. Trust. There is enough love, so stop strangling your lovers. There is enough money so stop the penny pinching...try donating!. There is enough time…..slow down. Thoughts are a powerful force and once set in motion, they go on to create the energy that shapes your reality. You are enough….trust that. One person can change the world, and one simple act can change a life. Together we are that “one”.

Christmas is coming. Paige will be celebrating with her Dad. I think, if I am not working at the pub, I will do something useful….give back……because as I reflect back on the many blessings of this past year, it is very clear that I have received, in abundance, the true gifts in life….time, love, moments, memories, and hope....

Xoxo

Alana-Student Nurse