Well, I have been out of school for almost 11 weeks...holy crap. It's been a good summer so far. I have just finished the one online class that I was taking (thank goodness!!! because it was painful) and now have 3 weeks of NOTHING....that is very strange for me.
I had a great 10 days in Edmonton visiting my family, I got to spend a couple days in Bellingham with my man, have had many awesome moments with Paige, and have been totally lazing around enjoying the slow pace of summer.
There have been a few developments in last little while that have been somewhat exciting for me. I turned 30 this month...and I am actually totally fine with it :) (no seriously, I am) , I have decided that I will take Paige to Roatan with me next June to volunteer in a clinic out there- which I know is going to be quite an experience for both of us! Roatan is a poor island just off of Honduras and there is an amazing clinic out there that functions almost entirely on volunteers, I am officially changing my last name back to Smith which is a semi hassle but not as painful as I expected....I decided to try out BCIT's counselling services to deal with a few issues that have been driving me nuts....and it is awesome. I am so glad that I get to go and that it's free! I think everyone should go to counselling if they can, it's amazing the stuff that I carry around on my little shoulders...
So Level 2 starts in 3 weeks and for those of you that know me, you KNOW how friggen excited I am about that! It's twisted, but I actually really, REALLY enjoy everything about this process....even the endless hours of homework. Something that I have learnt about myself, I LOVE structure, routine, and being productive. I get satisfaction from accomplishing goals. I love to challenge myself. This next couple weeks, the challenge is going to be doing very very little....might sound awesome to you, but to me, it's almost torture :) wish me luck
I have also decided it is time for my munchkin to learn the value of a dollar, and so we are implementing.....drum roll please.....CHORES! (evil laugh here) Of course she will get an allowance, but no more buying stuff just because we leave the house! I find it fascinating how entitled a tiny 6 year old can be...sheesh. Plus, 90 percent of the disaster in this place is thanks to 'you know who', so it's time she took a little responsibility!
30 is going to be a good year....A very busy one, but it's already looking like it'll be full of life changing moments....including the dreaded NG tube insertion......*shiver
A.Smith-Student Nurse
Monday, 30 July 2012
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
The Power of Reflection
As I sit here, bored out of my mind, 8 days into summer break, I am forced to reflect on all I have to be grateful for. I have my health. I have a job. I have an amazing family that supports me. I am in love. I have rich relationships. I have a beautiful, smart, funny daughter, who wants nothing more than to share her experiences with me....I have food in my fridge, I have the freedom to go where ever, do whatever I want. I can speak my mind....I can speak. I have a heart that beats all on it's own....I can breath. I can see the beauty that surrounds me. I have love. I have choices. I have hope.... I trust that that life itself is leading me to precisely where I need to be...even if that means right here, right now....on my couch looking in. I have been so busy with school, and as you know have loved every moment...but I sometimes forgot to breath. Sometimes, to just calm the mind, re-center....I think sacrificing that special time for myself is what lead to such anxiety. Sure I was going to the gym... once in a while...that was "me time"...pffffttt, not really. I went because I know I HAVE to exercise to be healthy....and any ways, as lovely as it is, the BCIT fitness centre doesn't quite have the zen quality I was missing. Yoga from now on....
I did really well this term. I am not even talking about grades because I have decided the actual percentage marks are fairly irrelevant....yes I said it...coming from the girl once OBSESSED with straight A's...they don't matter. At least not quite as much as experience, the process of learning, and the power of reflection.....sometimes it's better to make a mistake, than to mistakenly think you have nothing to learn....because we are all learning, all the time. I was a great student, I was never late, I never missed a class, and I got decent grades...I forgot to breath I think....It was so much stuff so fast and I wanted to do it right, I forgot to appreciate that I could do it, at all.
I am blessed, to live in a Country where I am free to choose to go to school for whatever I want, I have access to resources that can help with the financial stress, I have a way to transport myself to and from school everyday, and I have access to facilities where I can practice my newly learned skills. I am blessed. Every choice you make, leads you to the next one.....I am blessed that I have so many choices.
I have decided that just because my body can breath on it's own, while I check out mentally and think about something else, doesn't mean that it should...I think I need to re-learn to be ok with relaxing...just breathing....because when I choose to be quiet inside, everything becomes clearer, and that creates a positive energy in the world, instead of a crazy one...
I have a lot to be thankful for...and I am.. I think I might actually read a book......FOR PLEASURE.......how awesome is that!
xoxo Alana
I did really well this term. I am not even talking about grades because I have decided the actual percentage marks are fairly irrelevant....yes I said it...coming from the girl once OBSESSED with straight A's...they don't matter. At least not quite as much as experience, the process of learning, and the power of reflection.....sometimes it's better to make a mistake, than to mistakenly think you have nothing to learn....because we are all learning, all the time. I was a great student, I was never late, I never missed a class, and I got decent grades...I forgot to breath I think....It was so much stuff so fast and I wanted to do it right, I forgot to appreciate that I could do it, at all.
I am blessed, to live in a Country where I am free to choose to go to school for whatever I want, I have access to resources that can help with the financial stress, I have a way to transport myself to and from school everyday, and I have access to facilities where I can practice my newly learned skills. I am blessed. Every choice you make, leads you to the next one.....I am blessed that I have so many choices.
I have decided that just because my body can breath on it's own, while I check out mentally and think about something else, doesn't mean that it should...I think I need to re-learn to be ok with relaxing...just breathing....because when I choose to be quiet inside, everything becomes clearer, and that creates a positive energy in the world, instead of a crazy one...
I have a lot to be thankful for...and I am.. I think I might actually read a book......FOR PLEASURE.......how awesome is that!
xoxo Alana
Thursday, 3 May 2012
The Resistance
People have told me before about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.....and I get that, some decisions are so hard. I feel like, if I only had a rock OR even a hard place....I would feel so much better. here we are....17 weeks later....changed....and now they set me free "have a great summer", "enjoy your break", "you have earned this time off".....HELLLLOOO? can you see me? I don't want a break....I don't need time off, because I am just getting going....And yet.....
Anyone who has have ever ridden a BC ferry on a super windy day, knows exactly how I feel right now. I have forced the door open, and am pushing through the resistance of the wind......take a picture, because it's sunny out!, It's so pretty and look how lucky we are to be finished level 1...we made it and all the world is smiling, and the pictures will show the crystal blue waters, and the clear skies....but only those who walk with me in the wind know the resistance I am up against.....I just want to help heal the world and all of a sudden, people notice a shift in me....the energy has changed and now I have to fight...I just want to move forward, put one foot in front of the other.....does it have to be so hard? I'm not that different, but now.... there is no hiding it. Some are proud (love you mommy) but some are filled with anger.....I know that this is there own journey....but I am just trying to move forward.....somehow I HAVE shifted, because I wont pretend anymore that I am not a leader, I wont pretend that I don't mind being pushed around. I have work to do, and I plan to get 'er done. I don't care if it makes you uncomfortable that I have the potential to change the world, and also the desire to do so, and I don't care if it pisses you off that I am going make a difference....because that is what I am here to do. Somewhere over the rainbow a small child has lost their Mommy, and somewhere else, not so far away, a family is sick with infection....they will die, because they cannot afford the health care that they need......and I wait...I wait for the day that they say I can take the test, and when I pass it, I will do everything that I can, for everyone that I can...because that is who I am. 17 weeks later....I am not nervous. I am not anxious. I am not excited...I am waiting. Because 17 weeks later, I am confident, and I know, that this is who I am. Nursing is a part of me, and so I wait. And the whole world holds its breath for the storm to pass, because when when it does, peace will remain. I know that. It's just a little uncomfortable when it feels like the whole world is pushing against you. I will draw strength from those who have walked before me, and I will trudge through the expectations, the judgements, and the whispers of those who think they know about me, who think they know about Nursing....and I will keep my head held high....because I am not a nursing student...I am a Student Nurse, I AM a leader, and I AM going to make a difference, no matter how hard the winds blow. I will stand my ground and after you run out of steam, hope will remain.....and forgiveness....and then level 2. I am exactly where I am meant to be.....bring on the rain
Anyone who has have ever ridden a BC ferry on a super windy day, knows exactly how I feel right now. I have forced the door open, and am pushing through the resistance of the wind......take a picture, because it's sunny out!, It's so pretty and look how lucky we are to be finished level 1...we made it and all the world is smiling, and the pictures will show the crystal blue waters, and the clear skies....but only those who walk with me in the wind know the resistance I am up against.....I just want to help heal the world and all of a sudden, people notice a shift in me....the energy has changed and now I have to fight...I just want to move forward, put one foot in front of the other.....does it have to be so hard? I'm not that different, but now.... there is no hiding it. Some are proud (love you mommy) but some are filled with anger.....I know that this is there own journey....but I am just trying to move forward.....somehow I HAVE shifted, because I wont pretend anymore that I am not a leader, I wont pretend that I don't mind being pushed around. I have work to do, and I plan to get 'er done. I don't care if it makes you uncomfortable that I have the potential to change the world, and also the desire to do so, and I don't care if it pisses you off that I am going make a difference....because that is what I am here to do. Somewhere over the rainbow a small child has lost their Mommy, and somewhere else, not so far away, a family is sick with infection....they will die, because they cannot afford the health care that they need......and I wait...I wait for the day that they say I can take the test, and when I pass it, I will do everything that I can, for everyone that I can...because that is who I am. 17 weeks later....I am not nervous. I am not anxious. I am not excited...I am waiting. Because 17 weeks later, I am confident, and I know, that this is who I am. Nursing is a part of me, and so I wait. And the whole world holds its breath for the storm to pass, because when when it does, peace will remain. I know that. It's just a little uncomfortable when it feels like the whole world is pushing against you. I will draw strength from those who have walked before me, and I will trudge through the expectations, the judgements, and the whispers of those who think they know about me, who think they know about Nursing....and I will keep my head held high....because I am not a nursing student...I am a Student Nurse, I AM a leader, and I AM going to make a difference, no matter how hard the winds blow. I will stand my ground and after you run out of steam, hope will remain.....and forgiveness....and then level 2. I am exactly where I am meant to be.....bring on the rain
Monday, 9 April 2012
The countdown is on
Week 14 of 17 starts tomorrow and I really don't know where the time went! After 8 or 9 weeks of working, and school, and Momming I had to cut back. I decided to take a leave of absence from work and that was really the best thing I could have done. I knew enough to know that I was getting burnt out...FAST. What a huge difference it makes to have a few hours on the weekend for homework! My bank account is feeling the pressure but I know I will be fine. I have learned so much in the past 13 weeks that I don't even feel like the same person. We are up to 2 patients in clinical and giving meds. That means SOOO much homework on Monday nights! I love being in the hospital...I mean I love that I am doing something helpful. I have made real connections with real people, I have been able to share smiles, comfort, and knowledge with my patients. I have seen peoples health improve and have even been a part of that process! That is such a great feeling. It's no Grey's Anatomy, but it is rich.....and this is only the beginning. I am excited for every week and I have feeling this final stretch is going to fly by! I was selected to be a CRNBC student rep for my class, which I am very excited about. I look forward to developing my leadership skills while acting as a support to my fellow classmates.
The sun FINALLY came out this weekend and I made the best of it with a trip to the driving range and a couple of workouts in the sun. I feel so much better when the sun shines....perhaps a winter home in California will be in my future :)
My little Kitty won the Easter colouring contest at Save On Foods!! I am so proud of her :) She hasn't seen the prize yet but she was pretty excited to learn that she won for her age group. I still remember when I won the Safeway colouring contest at her age. I was SUPER excited. Ah the innocence.
I feel calm, ready to tackle the last few weeks, and very proud of myself and of Paige (not just for our amazing art skills either). It is a lot of work for me to be going to school full time, but I know it's work for Paige too. She has been so patient and so supportive, I couldn't ask for a better little lady to be sharing this journey with. I truly am blessed.
The sun FINALLY came out this weekend and I made the best of it with a trip to the driving range and a couple of workouts in the sun. I feel so much better when the sun shines....perhaps a winter home in California will be in my future :)
My little Kitty won the Easter colouring contest at Save On Foods!! I am so proud of her :) She hasn't seen the prize yet but she was pretty excited to learn that she won for her age group. I still remember when I won the Safeway colouring contest at her age. I was SUPER excited. Ah the innocence.
I feel calm, ready to tackle the last few weeks, and very proud of myself and of Paige (not just for our amazing art skills either). It is a lot of work for me to be going to school full time, but I know it's work for Paige too. She has been so patient and so supportive, I couldn't ask for a better little lady to be sharing this journey with. I truly am blessed.
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Tunnel Vision
I am forcing myself to take 5 minutes to add an entry because the whole reason I started this thing, was so I could document "as I go".....apparently "going" is pretty much all I can handle these days. I made it through week 6 (holy crap) and am on my second cold bug.....and this one is more like an upper resp infection that is also affecting my lungs....awesome. I have gained a few pounds (but am re committing myself to proper nutrition and exercise), made some amazing friends, given up on fantasies about 'pleasure reading' and 'TV nights', increased my caffeine tolerance by 300 percent, discovered my favourite Brand (or 2) of scrubs, questioned my sanity, and have somehow stayed on top of paying the bills, playing with Paige, book fairs, groceries, car maintenance (new 350 dollar air hose, pfffft) and maintaining my relationship with #1BF.......And that's just scratching the surface!
I can now do a full set of vitals, a head to toe assessment, including focused assessments, morning care, mobility/transfers, restraints and more. Med administration starts week 7. I know so much more about stroke, heart failure, pneumonia, inflammation, phenomenology, humanism, empathy and contact precautions....getting to know tumours.. and I have seen, heard, and smelled ALOT of interesting things in the past 6 weeks!
Paige is doing quite well with her new schedule and we really enjoy our dinner talks about school. She is growing so fast and I seem to love her more everyday. I am so blessed to have such love in my life.
I am starting to get to know myself as a Nurse. I like this part of me. I have such a natural commitment to advocacy, it seems to be at the root of my being. I feel a real sense of responsibility, compassion, and care for my patients and I love to provide care for them....even if they aren't always super thrilled to see me :) I am still a little nervous when I get to the hospital, but I feel such a sense of duty that the nerves get pushed to the background. I feel at home in this role and it just "feels right", I mean it feels hard, and scary, and like so much more than I can handle some days, but in the core of my being it feels like home. That is an overwhelming feeling in itself, finally discovering what I want to be when I grow up. That little truth, that 'knowing' is what keeps me grounded, it is the calm in the centre of my whirlwind of a life. I have 2 midterms tomorrow, clinical on Tuesday including midterm evaluation and a quick patient presentation, clinical and another exam on Wednesday, PBL group thingy and 5 drug cards due on Thursday and sweet, sweet Pathophysiology on Friday.....Oh and I work Thursday night and Saturday night....It's a lot......I try to focus on that little nugget of truth..."I am exactly where I am meant to be".
Almost....I mean right now 'exactly where I am supposed to be' is studying patho notes, so I will get back to that. I am tired, determined, full of hope, and focused....20 sleeps 'til spring break.
xoxo
Alana- Student Nurse
I can now do a full set of vitals, a head to toe assessment, including focused assessments, morning care, mobility/transfers, restraints and more. Med administration starts week 7. I know so much more about stroke, heart failure, pneumonia, inflammation, phenomenology, humanism, empathy and contact precautions....getting to know tumours.. and I have seen, heard, and smelled ALOT of interesting things in the past 6 weeks!
Paige is doing quite well with her new schedule and we really enjoy our dinner talks about school. She is growing so fast and I seem to love her more everyday. I am so blessed to have such love in my life.
I am starting to get to know myself as a Nurse. I like this part of me. I have such a natural commitment to advocacy, it seems to be at the root of my being. I feel a real sense of responsibility, compassion, and care for my patients and I love to provide care for them....even if they aren't always super thrilled to see me :) I am still a little nervous when I get to the hospital, but I feel such a sense of duty that the nerves get pushed to the background. I feel at home in this role and it just "feels right", I mean it feels hard, and scary, and like so much more than I can handle some days, but in the core of my being it feels like home. That is an overwhelming feeling in itself, finally discovering what I want to be when I grow up. That little truth, that 'knowing' is what keeps me grounded, it is the calm in the centre of my whirlwind of a life. I have 2 midterms tomorrow, clinical on Tuesday including midterm evaluation and a quick patient presentation, clinical and another exam on Wednesday, PBL group thingy and 5 drug cards due on Thursday and sweet, sweet Pathophysiology on Friday.....Oh and I work Thursday night and Saturday night....It's a lot......I try to focus on that little nugget of truth..."I am exactly where I am meant to be".
Almost....I mean right now 'exactly where I am supposed to be' is studying patho notes, so I will get back to that. I am tired, determined, full of hope, and focused....20 sleeps 'til spring break.
xoxo
Alana- Student Nurse
Friday, 13 January 2012
Adjusting
Well, I'm done week 1! I am exhausted. The combination of getting up way earlier, not being able to sleep at night, and taking the long way to every class while carrying my 20 pound bag has officially tired me out. Aside from being almost the most tired I have ever been (close second to the first week with a newborn), I am equally as happy. Even though the busy schedule of the past few days has had me explore every corner of the beautifully spaced out campus....(which reminds a lot of that movie "the labyrinth") and has added at least 2 hours to my nightly reading, I feel calm. I have taken in so much information over the last 2 days that my brain hurts, and in 3 days I will be in the hospital dealing with patients, but I somehow feel relief. It's like everything I read is relevant, I understand the books, and I feel a bond, not only with my classmates, (who are awesome) but with Nurses in general. I am paying my dues. I am going to be tired for 3 more years. I am ok with that. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, and that somehow gives me strength....having Tim Hortons on campus is also helping :) I have been getting up at 6am and trying to go to bed around 10. This is a pretty big change for me, since my many years working night shifts usually landed me in the sack around 2 am. To me, midnight was going to bed early....hence the no sleep at night the past week. I have learnt that I love mornings though....(already I am learning about myself.) I love that I get to see the sky change from black to light purple on my way to school, I love the quiet crispy air, and I love, LOVE! the snuggles I get when Paige is still groggy after her morning wake up. Early mornings are filled with so much hope as a new day begins to unravel. Its like Nursing school is the morning of the rest of my life..so full of hope and potential. I feel so supported at BCIT. They don't lie when they say that they do whatever they can to help you succeed in this program. Free teeth cleaning, free counselling, did I mention Tim Hortons? Oh, and I have used the weight room twice (ALSO FREE) and it has literally EVERY machine that I love, so I'm happy.
I am still trying to find some flow with homework, but having only attended a couple of classes, there is not a whole lot I can do. I have impressed my self with my organization so far!. I knew going in that every day would have to be visually available at any given time, right down to what I would make for dinner, and that is going great, thanks to my 60 day-colour coded-white board calendar on my wall. I have connected with my level 4 mentor and am excited to meet up with her and soak up all of her wisdom. I no longer worry about "the unknown" because I know exactly whats coming up and I can mentally prepare for it. I can also mentally prepare my picky little eater for what will be hitting the dinner table that night. What a trooper, She has tried 4 new foods in the past 2 weeks and loved them all. We have started a new routine where we each tell each other our 3 favourite things about our day, and then any negative things (thanks mom for this one)....the conversations have been wonderful. I bought some more scrubs today...because I love scrubs...and I wanted some separate ones for clinical vs school labs.....or I just LOVE scrubs :) anyways I actually do have a little homework to do and since I'm working all weekend, I don't have much time to squish it in, so that's all for now!
Have a great week everyone
xoxo
Alana
I am still trying to find some flow with homework, but having only attended a couple of classes, there is not a whole lot I can do. I have impressed my self with my organization so far!. I knew going in that every day would have to be visually available at any given time, right down to what I would make for dinner, and that is going great, thanks to my 60 day-colour coded-white board calendar on my wall. I have connected with my level 4 mentor and am excited to meet up with her and soak up all of her wisdom. I no longer worry about "the unknown" because I know exactly whats coming up and I can mentally prepare for it. I can also mentally prepare my picky little eater for what will be hitting the dinner table that night. What a trooper, She has tried 4 new foods in the past 2 weeks and loved them all. We have started a new routine where we each tell each other our 3 favourite things about our day, and then any negative things (thanks mom for this one)....the conversations have been wonderful. I bought some more scrubs today...because I love scrubs...and I wanted some separate ones for clinical vs school labs.....or I just LOVE scrubs :) anyways I actually do have a little homework to do and since I'm working all weekend, I don't have much time to squish it in, so that's all for now!
Have a great week everyone
xoxo
Alana
Thursday, 15 December 2011
"Don't make yourself an island"
Orientation went great tonight. It was pretty refreshing to hear from some current students, and to put faces to some already familiar names. I still feel like throwing up though, but I am getting used to that feeling. To add to the nausea, I also feel very overwhelmed emotionally. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what's going on in me, but it just feels like alot. I know I can do it, I know that I am meant to do it, and I am certain`that I will be "fine", I think it's just the "it" that is causing some anxiety. What is class really going to be like? For me? How will it feel to be in clinical? PBL? What about waking up for 630 am clinical? What am I going to see, smell, and hear? and how will those things effect me? I could have a hundred people tell that I can do it, but until I know exactly what "it" is, I am going to have some level of doubt. What if I can't? What if it's too much? What if I screw up?....Even as I write, I know those thoughts are silly.....but this is a pretty big change for me, and for Paige. I am so lucky to have all of the support that I have, I have a feeling I am going to need it. Something that really stood out for me tonight was the comment by a level 3 student, "don't make yourself an island here, use each other for support". It's just that I am good at being an island...I call it "independent" :)...It's pretty clear that I will be doing a lot of learning over the next 3 years, and not just about Nursing. I'm ready. The change will be good. I just need to organize....everything. A few more things to buy in the next couple of weeks and I will be as ready as possible.
Disneyland was AMAZING. The real magic was watching my little girls eyes light up during the fireworks. She is so beautiful. I am really blessed to be her Mom and everyday I watch in awe as she transforms into a little lady. She has another loose tooth! When she hugs me and tells me she loves me, I am so grateful for my Mom and her strength. It's because of her Mom-ing that I have the courage to take this leap. I am excited to enjoy Christmas with 2 of my favourite gals.
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